An Early Christmas Gift

I had my CT Scan last Friday, December 19th. I have never been nervous for a scan before, but this one really flipped me upside down – nervous stomach, tension, the whole nine yards!! I was so sure that the tenderness I have experienced since mid-July signalled the return of cancer. The days prior to the scan were filled with headaches, aches and pains, and the need for daily naps, adding even more fuel for the imagination. I was positive that this disease was starting to take over my body once again.

I even tried to analyze the expression on the technician’s face as she unhooked the IV and removed that amazingly comfortable wedge from under my knees (I really have to get one of those for home!). She didn’t look me in the eyes and her smile seemed to be a bit forced. That could only mean one thing …..

I was meeting friends following the scan and on the drive there I made the choice to leave it all in the hands of my higher power. If the scan showed what I suspected, then I would deal with it; there was a reason for it. I felt very comfortable about my decision to ask my doctor to keep the results to herself until after the Holidays. Although I hadn’t asked her to, I tried to imagine her calling me with good news before Christmas – you know, that positive-thought-vibe technique – but negative thoughts kept drifting in and taking over. I guess thinking about cancer’s return not being part of the equation was difficult because the signs seemed to all point to a recurrence.

Letting go of my concerns and putting my fears in someone else’s hands (someone else being my “higher power”) worked wonders. I really cannot imagine how people survive without the belief that there is someone or something more powerful out there to help ease the burdens of life. It is such a comforting feeling.

The weekend went quickly and we had lots of fun. Our two grandchildren, ages 4 ½ and 3, came for a two-night visit and the weekend was a blur of activity. Monday was busy as well, especially with Christmas just a few days away.

It was around 9:15 p.m. on Monday evening when the phone rang and I just assumed it was one of the kids calling. At first I didn’t recognize her voice and when she said her name, I shuddered from head to toe. My first thought: “Surely she hasn’t forgotten that I did not want to hear the results until after the Holidays”? And then I realized that this doctor is much more compassionate than that and she could only be calling for one reason – good news!

The CT Scan results were back and …… drum roll please ….. there was no sign of cancer!! What an amazing bit of news to hear just a few days before Christmas! It was difficult to talk with a frog in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. But I did manage to wish her a Happy Holiday and to thank her for taking the time out to call. After I hung up, I asked my husband to confirm that I was not dreaming; that my doctor had just called and all was well. Wow, what a bag of mixed emotions I was experiencing!!

It took me two whole days for this news to sink in and become real. But, believe me, I am now floating on cloud nine … no, make that could ten!! Oh, and I’ve decided to live in the “now” for a few weeks because it is an amazing place to be at the moment. I’ll get back to my “planning for the future” phase after the Holidays!

I’m off to prepare for an overnight stay with our children and grandchildren to await the arrival of Santa. We have lots to be thankful for – we have the freedom that comes with living in a great country; we enjoy the comforts and pleasure of being surrounded by friends and family; and this year we will celebrate a cancer-free Christmas!!

But above all else, I will give thanks for the wonderful work of my oncologist and his team and for this wonderful sensation of comfort and security, embraced in the arms of my higher being. May you all experience this feeling at least once in your lives!

Until next time ……

~ B-Optimistic ~