An Early Christmas Gift

I had my CT Scan last Friday, December 19th. I have never been nervous for a scan before, but this one really flipped me upside down – nervous stomach, tension, the whole nine yards!! I was so sure that the tenderness I have experienced since mid-July signalled the return of cancer. The days prior to the scan were filled with headaches, aches and pains, and the need for daily naps, adding even more fuel for the imagination. I was positive that this disease was starting to take over my body once again.

I even tried to analyze the expression on the technician’s face as she unhooked the IV and removed that amazingly comfortable wedge from under my knees (I really have to get one of those for home!). She didn’t look me in the eyes and her smile seemed to be a bit forced. That could only mean one thing …..

I was meeting friends following the scan and on the drive there I made the choice to leave it all in the hands of my higher power. If the scan showed what I suspected, then I would deal with it; there was a reason for it. I felt very comfortable about my decision to ask my doctor to keep the results to herself until after the Holidays. Although I hadn’t asked her to, I tried to imagine her calling me with good news before Christmas – you know, that positive-thought-vibe technique – but negative thoughts kept drifting in and taking over. I guess thinking about cancer’s return not being part of the equation was difficult because the signs seemed to all point to a recurrence.

Letting go of my concerns and putting my fears in someone else’s hands (someone else being my “higher power”) worked wonders. I really cannot imagine how people survive without the belief that there is someone or something more powerful out there to help ease the burdens of life. It is such a comforting feeling.

The weekend went quickly and we had lots of fun. Our two grandchildren, ages 4 ½ and 3, came for a two-night visit and the weekend was a blur of activity. Monday was busy as well, especially with Christmas just a few days away.

It was around 9:15 p.m. on Monday evening when the phone rang and I just assumed it was one of the kids calling. At first I didn’t recognize her voice and when she said her name, I shuddered from head to toe. My first thought: “Surely she hasn’t forgotten that I did not want to hear the results until after the Holidays”? And then I realized that this doctor is much more compassionate than that and she could only be calling for one reason – good news!

The CT Scan results were back and …… drum roll please ….. there was no sign of cancer!! What an amazing bit of news to hear just a few days before Christmas! It was difficult to talk with a frog in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. But I did manage to wish her a Happy Holiday and to thank her for taking the time out to call. After I hung up, I asked my husband to confirm that I was not dreaming; that my doctor had just called and all was well. Wow, what a bag of mixed emotions I was experiencing!!

It took me two whole days for this news to sink in and become real. But, believe me, I am now floating on cloud nine … no, make that could ten!! Oh, and I’ve decided to live in the “now” for a few weeks because it is an amazing place to be at the moment. I’ll get back to my “planning for the future” phase after the Holidays!

I’m off to prepare for an overnight stay with our children and grandchildren to await the arrival of Santa. We have lots to be thankful for – we have the freedom that comes with living in a great country; we enjoy the comforts and pleasure of being surrounded by friends and family; and this year we will celebrate a cancer-free Christmas!!

But above all else, I will give thanks for the wonderful work of my oncologist and his team and for this wonderful sensation of comfort and security, embraced in the arms of my higher being. May you all experience this feeling at least once in your lives!

Until next time ……

~ B-Optimistic ~

Dear Santa: Can you Bring Me a Perfect World?

Yesterday I went to the city to do some shopping. I don’t know if it was the warm spring-like weather, the colours and sounds of Christmas or just my feeling of well-being, but I was in a fabulous mood. I have my spirit back and it was a great day!!

But on the way home I witnessed something that made me sit back and take note of just how fortunate my family and I have been and reinforced why I have no reason to be down at Christmastime, no matter how much I dread getting the results of the CT Scan after the Holidays.

I can’t explain the scene. Let’s just say that what I saw tugged at my heart strings and gave me something to think about; a young woman who was obviously fleeing from something or someone. Not knowing what her situation was, I could only imagine a number of scenarios - none of them pleasant. On the long drive home I thought about the unfortunate individuals whose lives have taken a turn for the worse; those who may have their physical health, but are plagued by other demons – drugs, prostitution, violent relationships, dependence.

I have been blessed. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t lived in a “Walton” world, but as I reflect back, I think it’s been pretty close. There have been plenty of ups and downs and even a few darker moments that I would like to forget, but I have not had the fear that I suspect was present last evening on that city street. I hope to never have that experience.

I know the world outside of my own is not perfect. There are too many variables for it to ever be so. But if I was given the opportunity to choose anything for Christmas, I would ask for a perfect world; one where children are not abused, where anger and war are not experienced, where everyone is equal in wealth and love, and where a young lady does not have to flee from demons that pursue her.

As I sit here writing this in my cozy room filled with the scents and sounds of Christmas, confident in the love of my family and friends, I pray that the young lady on the street last night is safe and sound in her world tonight.

Until next time ……

~ B-Optimistic ~

Drawing the Line on “Now”

The Christmas season is upon us and for the first time in many years I am finding it difficult to get into the Christmas spirit. I have bins and bins filled with decorations and normally I would have the house decked out for the holidays by mid November. It is now December 9th and, although I have a Christmas party planned here at the house this Saturday, I’m pushing myself to get the house ready for guests.

There are a couple of reasons why I think this is happening. I have been reading a couple of books about living in the present – a philosophy that is supposed to get one through difficult times. Okay, it works. But I think I’ve taken the belief a bit too seriously and I am now living full time in the present.

To be honest, I live with a constant dread that my cancer will return. The symptoms that I’ve been experiencing since mid July may only be a part of my healing process from my May surgery, but after the 3rd strike I have become quite paranoid. I go for a CT Scan on December 19th; this will hopefully identify what the symptoms represent, but I have told my doctor that I do not want the results until after the Holidays. Guess I should have said to call if she has good news to share. Wow, wouldn’t that be awesome? And it could be possible. After all, I'm forever optimistic! :)

Meanwhile, I’ve been living in the moment and it’s actually quite nice here. When thoughts of the possibility that my cancer may have returned wander into my head, I just remove the unpleasantness and dwell on what is in front of me – my dog, the beautiful flakes of snow falling, the smell of coffee brewing. It actually works.

But my “now” space is becoming too small. Don’t get me wrong! Living in the present is a great way to ease any anxiety I might be feeling. But it just dawned on me that this could be why I have not managed to complete the yearly tradition of decking the halls.

So what brought me to the point of writing this post is that I just realized that I have also stopped planning for the future; I am not planning vacations, my projects are on hold, and I'm not setting any goals! This “now” thinking and fear of seeing what is ahead is taking away my mo-jo, my creativity, my ambition!! I have always had a fear of the unknown and right now I don’t know what lies ahead. But the funny thing is, I don’t want to know ….. And if I don't know what is in the future, I will remain fearful. What a conundrum, eh?

So starting this very moment, I am pulling myself out of this cocoon that I have been slowly building around me. I will take the proverbial bull by the horns and start making both short and long term plans. If I end up having to go through surgery again, then so be it. I will work around it. I will adjust my plans when, and if, I have to. But I will plan!!

I won’t give up on the “living in the now” theories though, but I will bring myself into the moment only when I really feel the need to escape. Right now I just want to take pleasure in the Season – the lights, the music, the friends and family, and the Joy!

And who knows ….. Maybe a Christmas Miracle will come my way!!

Until next time …….

~ B-Optimistic ~

Ovarian Cancer Research: Two Steps Forward and One Step Back?

It has not been a good week for ovarian cancer news. Here’s what I’ve read in the last 48 hours ………

Article one: Following a two-year study, researchers at John Hopkins’ have determined that ascites, a fluid that may be present in ovarian cancer cases, is capable of suppressing the T cells of the immune system, leaving the cancer free to roam and spread freely.

Article two: Researchers have admitted to erring in the study of ovarian cancer. It appears that they have lumped all ovarian cancers together when, in actuality, each form of ovarian cancer should have been studied individually. Given that there is such a broad range of ovarian cancer types, shouldn’t that have been the first variable considered?

These news releases are not exactly what I have been waiting to hear. Breakthroughs, miracle cures, magic pills; these are things that I want to read about. You know, like those miracle diet pills that were promoted years ago, where you take one pill and wake up slimmer! Well, I want one where I take a pill and wake up cancer free!

Okay, I’m not really that unrealistic. And I’m sure that somewhere there are amazing advancements being made in the fight against ovarian cancer.

But in my world, this is what I saw this week.

On the flip side, I purchased the second “Crazy Sexy Cancer” book and although I haven’t had time to just sit and read, I’ve taken a quick tour of the book and it looks like it’s as cool as the first one. I’ll blog more about it when I have a chance.

On a more humbling note, I found a reference on another blog (which unfortunately I forgot to bookmark) that included a statement that really hit home and utilizes the five stages of grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It went something like this:

“If I were given only five weeks to live, I could spend one week on each stage of grief with the final week being one of acceptance. Or, I could just skip the first four stages, accept my fate, and enjoy all five weeks!” (I will identify the author and post a connection to this blog when I find it again.)

Words to live by!!

Until next time …..

~ B-Optimistic ~

Forming Good Dietary Habits is a Full-Time Job!!

Well, it has been two weeks since my first visit to a naturopathic doctor and it seems that the majority of my time since then has been spent verifying the benefits and side effects of her recommendations and working them into my day. Being one to never jump in head first, I actually took the first week to decide which ones to actually use.

The biggest hurdle I have found thus far is keeping track of these dietary additions. Although a couple of the good “doctor’s” suggestions have been sidelined for the time being, I have gradually incorporated quite a few which complement what I had already been doing. I find, however, that I am constantly watching the clock to see when I am supposed to prepare and ingest my next concoction, be it apple cider vinegar and honey or one of those “green” elixirs that are supposedly liquid gold for my body.

I also expect to see benefits right away, even though I am still trying to get into a routine. I have probably only managed to accomplish, on any given day, about 30% of what has been recommended.

I know. I need to be patient. After all, it has taken my body more than 50 years to get into the “shape” it is in now. I can't actually expect too much in one week, right? However, I tend to lose interest in things if I don’t see an immediate result; which means I also need to change the thought processes that oversee my staying power and to remember the golden rule: It takes three weeks to form a habit! Wish me luck with that one …..

To make the daily regime easier for me, I made a chart to help me visualize which supplements and elixirs I need to consume before, during, and following each meal. I have even developed a checklist so that I can see what I have actually managed to accomplish each day, including sections for water, fruits, and veggies to ensure that these essentials do not get overlooked.

So far I would estimate that I am achieving 30% of my goals. Not so good; but not bad either. That is 1/3 of the way closer to a healthier lifestyle than I was a week ago. Be it my imagination or fact, I think I see a difference in my colouring and overall digestion already. The colouring change could be due to the loss of my summer tan though, and I expect the latter change has a lot to do with the reduction of sugar in my diet. But I am not naïve; the other amendments and additions probably count - even in such a short period of time. Oh, and I have even dropped a few pounds!! Bonus!

But now I have to scoot. I need to check off the apple cider/honey box and see what is next. I am hoping it is breakfast!!

Until next time ……

B-Optimistic!

An Inspirational Story

I received this little story the other day and thought it was worth sharing. I have seen other versions similar to this, but this particular version is my favourite:

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the “Mayonnaise Jar and the 2 Cups of Coffee.”

A teacher stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

He picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar and shook the jar lightly so the pebbles could roll into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The teacher then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous“Yes”.

The teacher then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the teacher as the laughing subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions – and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.”

“The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.”

“The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.”

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness:
* Spend time with your children and grandchildren
* Spend time with your parents
* Visit with grandparents
* Take time to get medical checkups
* Take your spouse out to dinner
* Play another 18 holes of golf.”

“There will always be time to clean the house and fix the things that need fixing. Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

A student raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The teacher smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked.”

“The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

Author unknown

Great story, eh? Now you’ll have to excuse me because I've made a date to go out for coffee with my husband and our friends. I like to think I have my priorities straight!!

Until next time …….
~ B-Optimistic ~

Taking Control - My First Visit to a Naturopath

There’s an old joke that goes something like this:

A man goes to his doctor because he is not well. After examining the man, the doctor sends him out of the examining room and asks his wife to come in so that he can speak to her alone. He explains that her husband will live, but only if she has sex with him every day for the rest of his life. On the way home, the husband asks his wife what the doctor said. She looked him directly in the eye and said, “You’re going to die.”

This joke came into my head after leaving my first naturopathic consultation yesterday. That should tell you how that appointment went.

Actually, it wasn’t that bad now that I have had a good night’s sleep and given the session time to sink in. But I am going to be honest. After 3 hours of being told that everything I was doing, eating, and thinking was detrimental to my wellbeing, my eyes started to glaze over and my “inner being” started looking for the nearest escape route …. I think you can probably see why that joke reappeared from my memory archives.

In a nutshell, here is a “short” list of what she said:
• Only eat organic meats
• Fruits and vegetables should be organic and in-season – stay away from fruit juices
• Use salt-free butter (not margarine) and drink milk only if it comes directly from the cow (a.k.a. raw)
• Cancer likes cold (I’d never heard this one before) so drink only tepid or hot water with lemon or lime juice
• Take warm or hot baths daily with either Epson salts or sea salt respectively
• Stay warm all the time; wear warm clothing and socks to bed so the feet never get cold
• Get fresh air and exercise daily
• Exchange the sugar in my diet with organic honey or maple syrup
• Eat like a King at breakfast, a Nobleman at lunch, and a pauper at dinner time
• No protein with dinner
• Drink horsetail tea (This weed grows out of control in my garden each year. I may have found a market for it!)
• Toss out the microwave
• And, of course, “The little shop downstairs has the products that you will need to purchase.” …… Okay, I’ll be honest. I saw that one coming!

Then there is the detoxification program that she “suggests” which is also going to be costly and long term. The list of products for that process went on and on and on.

To become totally committed to this natural program (which is what she stated I had to do) would break the bank (well, our bank at least). The little monkey on my shoulder keeps telling me that there are no miracle cures and although this is not what she has promised me, for the money I would end up paying out, I would expect it.

I mean seriously …. Everything in my house is the opposite of good; white rice should be brown; cooking oil should be coconut and not canola; meats should all be organic; and toss out the microwave? I know there are hazards, but the convenience ……

And I can’t even imagine wearing socks to bed; I get nauseous and cranky when my body gets too warm and my husband would get the brunt of that suggestion!! So I’d end up divorced with no money to pay for any of this natural regime.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not knocking what she told me and I will incorporate what I can into my lifestyle. But it will have to happen gradually. And even if I live to be 100, there are some things that I simply cannot – or will not - do. Every step I take towards that goal is an improvement from yesterday. In the meantime, I will start making changes right away; things that my instinct tells me are right. Even if I don’t follow through on everything she has suggested, what I can and will do is important.

I have reviewed a lot of health and diet plans over the years and they pretty much all come down to the same thing. Eat right. Get lots of fresh air, exercise, and rest. There are conflicting viewpoints on everything – butter or margarine; sun or no sun; walk or run. It all boils down to what sells and every season we seem to get a new warning about something … normally rescinded in a few years time! But it is all too overwhelming if you really stop and think about it. Life is short enough without having to worry about every little thing you eat, breathe, feel; and even what you see can be damaging to your emotional wellbeing!

I want to live a long life; but I also want to enjoy the life I live.

There is one thing this naturopathic expert told me that reinforced what I am already doing. She advised me to “take control”. Over the past six months I have researched and discovered an extensive array of programs for improving the health of my mind, body, and soul and have been gradually incorporating the common themes that I have found. I believe that if more than one trustworthy source recommends something, then there must be some relevant value in it. But a word of caution here that is best explained by an old saying: "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."

Gotta run. I’m doing an Internet search for statistics on the life expectancy of organic farmers!

Until next time …..

~ B-Optimistic ~

I found the video on the use of coconut oil for frying quite interesting so I checked out the home page and found additional healthy cooking videos and an extensive list of health information links.

Please note that I am in no way affiliated with any of the linked websites but just love to share interesting sites when I find them. When you are reading any of the information online, always remember: You are in control!

Cast a Vote for Meaghan's Blog

I am following a Blog entitled I Kicked Cancer's Ass and it has been nominated for an award on DivineCaroline.com.. Meaghan's goal is to raise awareness of cervical cancer. Let's help her out.

You can cast your vote here.

Be forewarned ..... You will have to register on the Divine Caroline site but there is an unending supply of great things to check out like recipes, home improvements, and other great stuff!

Calling all Naturopaths: Do you Have a Treatment for Brain Bog?

OK, I’ve got a confession. I think I’ve OD’d on data ….. I’m suffering from a major case of information overload and I’m spinning out of control!

After my oncologist told me in July 2008 that chemo wasn’t in the cards just yet, I decided that I would change my lifestyle – become more aware of what I put in my body, exercise several times each week, and start a program of supplements geared towards improving my immune system – all in an effort to ward off a return of the evil “C”.

When I mentioned supplements, both my family doctor and oncologist advised me that making healthy food choices would suffice. So, I identified which vitamins and minerals would help boost my immune system and then attempted to translate that information into lists of relative foods so that I could do as my doctors had suggested.

That’s all well and good - in theory. But then I read several articles explaining that growing conditions and/or overcooking can eliminate any hopes of getting the required amounts of these nutrients on a daily basis. Hmmmm …. Wouldn’t it be easier, I thought, just to take supplements to ensure I was getting what I needed; at least until I got my “food ducks” in a row? So I started out loyally with flax oil and yogurt once or twice a day. Then I added supplements – Vitamin E and Selenium; Zinc and Vitamin A; and a few others for good measure.

It just dawned on me last night that I haven’t done the flax oil/yogurt mix for over a month. And what feels like an irritated stomach - that I blame on Vitamin A - has caused me to ease off of the vitamin/mineral concept for the past month as well. So now I find myself back at square one because I can’t remember why I was taking any of these in the first place!!

Well, here it is four months later and after reading a pile of self-help books and visiting hundreds of Internet sites on healthful living, I am overflowing with knowledge; stuffed with page after page of wonderful hints and insights on how to improve my health and fuse my mind, body, and soul – and I wonder if I’m doing myself more harm than good!! To make things worse, I can no longer absorb or even make sense of all of the information I’ve read and I think I may have developed brain paralysis because my mind is pulling a blank - caused, no doubt, by information overload.

Oh, and since I’m confessing my sins, I might as well admit that I’ve spent so much time reading that I also haven’t made time for an exercise regime!!

So today I finally admitted to myself, and now to you, that I need help; I made a call to a Naturopath in the hopes of finding someone knowledgeable in these matters who can keep me on track and monitor what I’m doing. I no longer want to worry about whether I’m approaching this lifestyle change correctly; taking too much of one or more supplements; or maybe even using the wrong the combinations.

I’ll be meeting with my new friend on November 18th for a consultation.

After all, getting healthy is my goal and helping me get healthy is hers. I think it will be a good partnership!!

Until next time …….
~ B-Optimistic ~

An Insight into a Cancer "Survivor's" Mindset

Over the past several months I have had an insatiable appetite for inspirational stories of cancer survivors, reading numerous books for both personal and for professional reasons. As I peruse through the lives of others who have been affected by cancer, I find that it gives me hope and allows me the opportunity to more fully understand the emotions I experience daily – like a roller coaster ride gone wild; and to know that these emotions are normal and not reflective of some inner mental breakdown that will eventually take me to the depths of hell.

This morning as I reviewed a book by Lori Hope entitled, “Help me Live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know”, I found a treasure in words written from the viewpoint of someone going through the unknowns of a life with cancer - Lori herself. Lori compares the feeling of travelling on a train and being rapidly thrown from the brightness of day into the deep darkness of the tunnels with the emotions she experiences when asked whether she has been cured of cancer.

Quoting from her afterword on page 199, this is what Lori writes: “Like going through an unfamiliar tunnel, you have no idea how long you will remain in the dark. And you have no idea what the world will look like when you come out the other end. You cannot know when darkness will overtake you again, shutting out all light. You may pop out for a hundred yards or so and delight in the beauty, only to enter another tunnel and hurtle through darkness again.”

Living in a small community, I am frequently asked how I am doing. I am amazed and humbled by the fact so many people care; and I relish the days when I feel absolutely amazing and am able to honestly tell them so. But there are the occasional dark days when I’d like to say: “The internal workings of my body are a mystery and I will always have the black cloud of cancer hanging over my head, never knowing when and if it might invade my inner sanctum once again. How do you think I’m feeling?” Fortunately, being the optimist that I am, those days are few and far between!

I thank you, Lori, for providing me with a less callous way of expressing my inner thoughts!

Until next time …..
~ B-Optimistic ~


Note: Lori's book, published by Celestial Arts in 2005, is a great read and full of insight, with 20 sections to help everyone understand what is going through a cancer survivor's mind; from how to be a good listener to why we might lose our tempers or cry at the drop of a hat. If you are a friend, caregiver, or even a cancer survivor, check it out.

Procrastination ...... What if There is No Tomorrow??

Have you ever wanted to do something so intensely that you eat it, breathe it, and sleep it? But then never get it done because .... Well, because of a fear of failure, a fear of the unknown, a fear of rejection, or perhaps a fear of (fill in the blank).

That’s me. I’m putting my dreams off - again. I have wanted to write for as long as I can remember; any kind of book – children’s book, cookbook, murder mystery. I even thought of writing one of those raunchy romance novels!!

I always seem to do all the research, read the “how-to” books, get myself all geared up, and then sizzle .... The fire goes out.

I know there’s a book or two in there. They have to come out. OK, there’s a little déjà-vu going on right here, right now! I said the same thing with the cancer and with my two pregnancies. Hmmmm .... I’m starting to sense a theme ....

So stay tuned. I am going to purge these ideas that are churning inside and fulfill that desire, once and for all!! Now, where did I leave my notebook?

Until next time .....
~ B-Optimistic ~

My Cancer Story: Surviving Granulosa Cell Tumours

MY STORY
I was initially diagnosed with Granulosa Cell Tumours (GCT), a variant of Sex-Chord Stromal Tumours of the ovary, in 2002 and have undergone 3 surgeries to remove tumours since that time, my latest on May 15, 2008. To date I have not been “victimized” by chemotherapy treatments, much to my delight. My Oncologist knows that I would prefer not to go this route but I will consider it if he feels it is necessary, especially since the cancer returned so quickly this last time. My resistance is legitimate. Chemo has been administered in GCT cases, but it has not been proven effective. I have always been an optimistic person and I remain positive even facing a life with cancer. I must admit, however, that even my positivism has been shaken somewhat with this last recurrence and I know that should I face future recurrences, each one will be more difficult to deal with. I refuse, however, to crawl under the covers and feel sorry for myself; I prefer to remain optimistic. Don't get me wrong, I do have spells where the frustration of having Cancer becomes overwhelming and the tears flow freely. But it never lasts long. I never have to look far to find someone in a worse situation and that makes me appreciate the good things that I have in my life. I am not in denial; however, I will live my life to its fullest between recurrences.

MY CANCER HISTORY - SYMPTOMS:
I had problems with heavy periods for years. In the early 1990’s my Gynecologist informed me that I had a fibroid tumour that, should it start causing pain or other problems, would have to be removed and a hysterectomy performed. However, if it did not grow too quickly, I may make it to menopause and it would probably shrink at that time. I dodged that surgery for years, mainly because I never experienced symptoms severe enough to warrant it. Birth control kept the periods regular and light. Perhaps I should have jumped in right away and had it done; it may have prevented what was to become my future.

In September 2001, I was overcome with an extreme pain in the lower left abdominal area that doubled me over and resulted in my going to the emergency room 6 hours later for meds for pain and nausea. I was referred to the ER in a larger center the following day where I was examined by several ER doctors who felt my symptoms were related to a gastrointestinal problem – probably diverticulitis. A bowel exam (Barium enema) eliminated the probability of anything more severe. I was given a list of foods to avoid. A CT Scan was hinted at but never ordered. Over the next few months I experienced excessive gas & bloating. I was tired and had frequent naps, a discomfort in the abdominal area with some tenderness, slight nausea on occasion, and even when I was extremely hungry I felt full after only a few mouthfuls of food. I did not have any weight loss or gain, but my clothes seemed tighter. I began to experience urinary incontinence and a persistent cough from a cold that hung with me for over two months. In April 2002 I went to see my family doctor with the complaint of a "pregnant stomach" - hard and swollen – looking like I was about six-months pregnant. He immediately scheduled an emergency CT Scan which identified a suspicious mass. Within 3 weeks I was in the OR having surgery to remove two growths: a malignant Stage 1C GCT and a non malignant Dermoid Cyst. There was no fibroid in sight. The GCT tumour, unfortunately, was thin-shelled and ruptured when the surgeon attempted to remove it. Fluid from the ruptured sac entered the abdominal cavity and although the area was thoroughly washed, it is possible that this has caused my recurrences. We will never know for sure. I trust that my surgeons did all they could to prevent this. I spent 10 days in hospital.

MY REACTION:
With such fast action, I didn't have a lot of time to react to my diagnosis, which I consider a good thing. I did a lot of research on GCT in that short period (and still do), but learned quickly not to take to heart everything I read. Our bodies all react differently to the form of cancer that we have and it is more important to become familiar with our own symptoms.

MY “RECURRENCE” SYMPTOM SUMMARY:
FIRST RECURRENCE: Surgery January 28, 2007 – 4 tumours removed: SYMPTOMS - Sharp and short-lived pain in the abdomen was an indication that the cancer had returned. The pain was not as severe as the first time, but I still experienced a feeling of tenderness (felt like too many sit-ups in one session) for several days following this episode. No pain in my shoulders, but all other symptoms were the same and, once again, no weight loss.
SECOND RECURRENCE: Surgery May 15, 2008 – 1 tumour and several nodes removed: SYMPTOMS - Shooting pain in my lower left abdomen on December 17, 2007 followed by bouts of mild nausea, headaches, achiness, and a fairly constant tiredness about a month later. I had started a new job that involved shift work and I found it really upset my system. I quit the job (which I wasn't enjoying anyway) and after a month only the occasional headache and the need for naps remained. Based on this, I expect that the symptoms of this disease are most definitely enhanced by stress, but can also be missed when you are living/working in a stressful environment. A CT Scan in February 2008 confirmed my suspicions. As the surgery date drew closer, I began to experience more gassiness and discomfort in the abdominal area. No weight loss.

"New onset acne" has also been present throughout my history with GCT. I just confirmed that this is, indeed, also a symptom of stromal tumours!

LIVING WITH CANCER:
It is very important to be aware of your body. Don't credit minor aches and pains with getting older - keep track of each change in your body as you age as there may be an underlying cause. I keep a journal of personal symptoms for reference which I would suggest everyone do. Be constantly aware of changes in your own body – don’t expect that your symptoms will be the same as mine. Although we all may have similar symptoms, there are some that may be more prominent for each of us in the early detection of this cancer, or any cancer for that matter.

I communicate with other GCT patients on various cancer websites and I find it reassuring that I am not alone in this fight. Exchanging information can be useful in becoming aware of diagnosis and treatment options, especially when your cancer is rare. I hope to be able to help others by talking about my experiences with GCT. I welcome any questions, feedback, or just a request to chat.

I may never be secure in the thought that the cancer will not return. But each day I give thanks for my healing, my survival, and my ability to pull myself back up when life takes a downward spiral.

There's an old saying: What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. My belief in this philosophy has increased ten-fold in the past 6 years!!

Until next time ....
~ B-Optimistic ~

Spirituality on My Own Terms

Every so often I find myself focused too intently on cancer and, more specifically, the possibility of its return. There are no physical symptoms to bring it to my attention; it's just a mental glitch in my thought processes that began to plague me earlier this year when I was faced with my third surgery. The cancer reappeared too quickly last time and even though there is the "slightest" chance it will not return for several years, I find myself constantly watching for symptoms.

This overwhelming dread of "a cancer returned" struck me several times over the past week or so. I have no explanation why; there has been nothing obvious to draw me into the vortex of doom. It's just a fear; a shadow lurking in the dark recesses of my mind.

So what does this have to do with sprituality? My spirituality - my belief in a higher power - is my saving grace. It's the reason these dark thoughts do not take up residence; why I no longer dwell for days on the possibility of a recurrence; and why cancer has not taken over my life.

I am not a church goer. I did, however, attend a Pentecostal Sunday School until I was 15 years old, so I have a good knowledge base of "fire and brimstone".

I lost faith in the human transmission of God's word when one of those famous TV Evangelists locked himself in a tower and declared that unless viewers donated a million dollars to his ministry, God would strike him dead (or something similar to that). And I can still see the face of another TV Evangelist, distorted in a dramatical display of tears and pain, crying fervently for forgiveness - from God and the people - after his escapades with a prostitute became public. This guy reminded me of a child who, at any moment, might open one eye just to check and see if anyone is watching. And really people .... why all the glitz and glamour; makeup and false eyelashes; dramatics and deceit????

OK, perhaps there are individuals who actually get something from these "prophets of God" and I guess some people need a little reinforcement every so often. But personally, I prefer the direct line approach. For the record, I believe in guardian angels, higher beings, and God. So whoever is available at the moment is who I talk to and we have discussed my situation many times over the past 6 years.

I must admit, I had a difficult time at first letting go of my fear, leaving it in my higher being's (HB's) hands; just walking away. But this past few months it has gotten much easier. When the anxiety begins to overtake me, I pass my problems to HB, take a deep breath, put on a big smile, and face life and it's many obstacles with a new determination and a positive outlook.

After all, qu'est cera, cera!! What will be, will be. I'm not going to waste my time worrying about what is in store for me down the road. I'll just deal with each speed bump in the highway of life when, and if, I have to. Until then, HB is my "baggage" handler and he/she is taking really good care of me!!

Until next time .....
~ B-Optimistic ~

It's October 19th - a beautiful Sunday morning - and I have just found this blog - which I find to be an interesting addendum to my original post. In his blog, "dhamma musings", Shravasti Dhammika talks about another Pentecostal preacher who deceived his congregation. I hadn't heard about this one .... Check it out for yourself .... http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/2008/10/heal-thyself.html

And I would certainly be interested in reading similar stories of deceit as it strengthens my conviction to maintain a direct line with my own personal higher being!! Please send them my way .......

The Secret ......

Last night I finally unwrapped and started watching The Secret. I bought the DVD late last winter after a friend loaned me her copy. How much do I believe in this concept? A lot!!

I've always been an optimist and my husband always told me I must have a "lucky horseshoe" because "luck" seemed to come my way. But I accredited any good fortune to "being in the right place at the right time." The Secret takes it just beyond that ... describing how you can consciously attract to you what it is that you most desire in life; money, relationships, health ... whatever floats your boat.

So, I guess being in the right place at the right time must mean that I've practiced a wee bit of The Secret's philosophy. Basically, this is what The Secret says: What you think is what you get. If you think negative thoughts, then that is what you will attract to your life: negative things. Likewise, if you think positive thoughts .... well, you get my drift.

So how did I end up with cancer if, unconsciously, I've always put out positive vibes? I've done a lot of thinking about that. I discovered that I started putting out negative health vibes when I was a teenager working in a small rural post office handing out mail. Each day I would make small talk with the same people, watching them come and go. There were several who, to me, appeared to be old and feeble and who had a difficult time getting around. I told myself, and my husband (who I was dating at the time), that I never wanted to live to be "that" old. For years I maintained this same thought process; anytime I would see someone frail I would utter the same wish under my breath.

Then, commencing a few years later when we had young sons, I remember frequently asking that higher power to allow me to live long enough in life to see my children grown and settled. I just couldn't bear the thought that they would have to grow up without me in their life.

So, when I watched The Secret the first time earlier this year, I started thinking about these thoughts from my past and a lightbulb went off! I had unconsciously wished for cancer to enter my life!! Okay, maybe not "cancer" specifically. But think about it ..... I got my wish. I had lived long enough to see my children grown! My sons were 24 and 22 when I was first diagnosed; the oldest settled and happy in his own apartment and the youngest just newly graduated from university, off on a working adventure in the great white north. Hmmmm ... makes you think, doesn't it???

But once again "the horsehoe" has been polished. It appears that the powers-that-be realized that I was young and naive and didn't understand that things aren't always as bad as they appear! Remember those folks that looked so old to me; many are still alive and kicking and were probably not all that old back then.

I believe I've been given a second chance; a chance to make new wishes. Fortunately for me, my cancer is not agressive. There is no known cure, but that's today. Who's to say what will be discovered tomorrow. Right this minute I'm sending out positive vibes for a cure ........ and giving thanks several times each day for my healing. :)

Needless to say, I am also sending new family-oriented mental images out to the universe. I plan to live long enough to see my grandchildren become successful and independent. Oh, and I'm also thinking that a huge birthday bash will be in order when I celebrate my 65th birthday in another decade + a few years!!

Until next time ......
~B-Optimistic ~

Ahhh ... the beauty of autumn leaves!!

Wow! I can’t believe it’s already October 1st!! Where has the summer gone??? The leaves started changing colour back in August, but look at them now!! Mother Nature at her finest! If you don't live in a region with Maple trees, then you need to move!!

Yesterday was a perfect fall day, leaving me no option but to get out and enjoy it. So my constant companion Rocky and I (my “we-think-he’s-a-whippet” dog) went for a drive; windows lowered enough so that he could stick his snout out the window and sniff, but not low enough that he could do a suicide leap.

I had no real destination in mind, but remembered that the “Maid Marion” – one of the two largest draglines in Canada – was moving (very slowly) from point A to point B. So my buddy and I found a great vantage point and snapped a few photos.

This is one of my favourites: Maid Marion, towering high above the surrounding forest, framed with a vibrancy of colour that words can't describe.

When hubby arrived home yesterday, he suggested that a drive - and dinner out - would be nice; especially since he expected to be working a bit of overtime in the next little while, doing his part in the Maid Marion move. How could I say “no” to an offer like that?? A quick call to our friends to invite them along and soon we were taking a “topless” cruise in our 1990 Miata convertible, they in their 914 Porsche.

I LOVE our little sports car and I am not looking forward to putting it away for the winter. That car has been fabulous therapy for me over the past couple of years. I “laze” in the passenger’s seat, wind all around, sun in my face; de-stressing - not thinking about cancer - and just enjoying the ride. Oh and, of course, taking photos of everything that catches my eye!!

Needless to say, yesterday was a pretty stress-free day!! Today is pretty much of the same, excepting, of course, that I've spent my morning inside working on this, my first blog!!

But now, the sun beckons, and I must head out to enjoy the weather ......

Until next time ...

~ B-Optimistic ~