Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
I have read a lot of statements by
cancer survivors lately; how the ordeal made them appreciate life more, see people in
a different way, do things that they had been putting off. And it made me think
back over the past 17 years. I get it. I’ve been there. I did the same after
the first couple of cancer scares. And I had
GRIEVED. Not about the fact that I had
cancer, but for the life I would never know again. A life where I wouldn’t have
to look over my shoulder. Where I could be free, naive, feel safe.
DENIAL? You betcha! Denial steps up to the plate first,
every time! It’s easy to talk yourself out of the truth. I think denial is a
cushion to help soften the blow. It lets you gradually face the realization of
what’s going on without hitting that brick wall at high speed. It’s one of the
most important stages in the process. You can take my word on that one.
BARGAINING? Oh, I have done a LOT of
bargaining – with any higher power that would listen. And absolutely with
myself. I still bargain. Even when cancer isn't present. But by the fourth recurrence, just a year after my third, I came to the
realization that I was done with bargaining. I got ANGRY. Angry at the fact
that I couldn’t live life to the fullest because I was always looking over my
shoulder. I couldn’t make plans too far ahead. The cancer might be back by then.
Anger followed me everywhere – on the inside. On the outside, I was my usual
smiley, optimistic self. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I landed
in a very dark place that year. I felt defeated, sad, scared. I had barely
healed from the previous surgery and was facing another. And I sat down in a
great big puddle of DEPRESSION. Defeated. Because now there was the chance that
the cancer might come back again quickly every time. I was not ready for that.
I needed the four year span between recurrences to get my act together. Right about here, though, there needs to be another stage - ENVY. Every so often I would think of friends and family who had never had anything seriously wrong with them. And I was envious. Extremely envious. So wishing I could turn back the hands of time to when cancer was not one of the nouns at the top of my own personal vocabulary list. The thought never lasts long, but it has returned many, many times over the years. You know who you are! ;-)
But I survived. A year went by and I was
still clear. Another year, and then another. The clouds lifted and I began to
think it might be possible that surgery #4 was the last one I would have to
endure. A girl can dream.
Then it was once again denial’s turn. The
devil had awoken. It was late September when the pain hit. I knew what it
was but kept telling myself it was something else. It couldn’t be that. It was
probably just a little blockage causing some issues. The pain came. Then went. A
family doctor visit that led to tests and scans. Still in denial. A referral to
my gynecologist. Waiting. Wondering. Hopeful one minute. Depressed the next. Denial always standing close by to buffer the blow. Surely it wasn’t another recurrence. But deep down I knew it was. And I was
right.
I had been so downtrodden after the fourth
recurrence, I never dreamed I would have the strength to go through it all
again. But I did. And I stayed so positive, and so unemotional during the
months leading up to surgery that I amazed myself. It wasn’t an act. I do not
know where the strength came from. But until I got halfway through writing this post, I hadn't realized what got me through that one. Now I know.
ACCEPTANCE. Emerging from the depth of hell four
years prior to a strong mother and grandmother four years later, a powerhouse who hugged her family outside the waiting room and
walked herself to the OR, head held high, laughing with the orderly who walked with me, waiting patiently and calmly outside the door of the OR for the medical team to gather. Thinking back now, I believe
that at that point in my journey, I had finally gone through all five stages of grief. I had finally
accepted that this is my life and how it was meant to be. It was a long time coming.
Two years later and things still look good.
If there happens to be a sixth recurrence, however, I suspect I will be
backtracking quickly to the anger stage, dosed with a little denial on the side. But I suspect it will only last for a little while and acceptance will appear. Because I'm an optimist. And that’s what optimists do.
And my husband? He just celebrated his 3rd
anniversary since treatment ended, is still cancer free, and doing wonderfully.
What more could a gal ask for?
Until next time .....
~ B-Optimistic! :-)
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