What it is Like to Live with a Cancer Diagnosis

Imagine you’re going about your day, minding your own business, when someone sneaks up behind you. You feel something press up against the back of your head, as someone whispers in your ear.

“Sssshhhhh…. don’t turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I’m going to keep it there. I’m going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life.”

“I’m going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I’m here, but you need to try your best to ignore me, to move on with your life. Act like I’m not here, but don’t you ever forget… one day I may just pull the trigger… or maybe I won’t. Isn’t this going to be a fun game?”

This is what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Any STAGE of cancer. Any KIND of cancer. Remission does not change the constant fear. It never truly goes away. It’s always in the back of your mind.

Please, if you have a loved one who has ever been diagnosed with cancer, remember this. They may never talk about it or they may talk about it often. Listen to them. They aren’t asking you to make it better. They want you to sit with them in their fear… their sadness… their anger… just for the moment. That’s it.

Don’t try to talk them out of how they are feeling. That doesn’t help. It will only make them feel like what they are going through is being minimized. Don’t remind them of all the good things they still have in their life. They know. They are grateful.

But some days they are more aware of that gun pressing into the back of their head and they need to talk about it. Offer them an ear.

Written by Sherry McAllister

❤

Thank you, Sherry, for so effectively describing what life is like for someone diagnosed with cancer. You have captured the feeling perfectly.

Until next time …….

~ B-Optimistic 😊

Sherry is the Mom to Sherman the Therapy Dog on Facebook.  She is a 2x's cancer survivor who, at the time of writing this on March 21, 2019, was battling incurable stage 4 Gastrointestinal cancer, after a 2 year battle with breast cancer.

https://www.facebook.com/ShermantheTherapyDog/posts/cancer-imagine-youre-going-about-your-day-minding-your-own-business-when-someone/2119948471414861/

The Guest House - Poem by Jelalludin Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

A Passing Storm 
Original Painting by Brenda L Despres

As I work on a painting tonight, I am multitasking by listening to an audio book entitled, "The Joy Diet: 10 Daily Practices for a Happier Life" by Martha Beck. Don't get me wrong. I am definitely in a good place right now - both mentally and emotionally, but I always strive to find ways to keep that feeling steady.

In the first part of this book, Martha recites a poem that I find quite interesting ... and definitely worth sharing. It sanctions mood changes .... the ups and downs of everyday life ... and encourages us to accept and greet those altering personality shifts with a smile and a welcome.

Take a minute to read it for yourself .... I would love to hear your comments!

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

    translation by Coleman Barks

The Guest House - Poem by Jelalludin Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

Meanwhile, I must get back to my art.

Until next time ....
~ B-Optimistic ~ :-)

ONE MONTH YESTERDAY SINCE SURGERY!!

Taken two weeks after surgery with my two favourite little people!!! It was a very happy Thanksgiving!

AN UPDATE .... WITH A PLUS!!!!

It is hard to believe that it has been a whole month yesterday since I was in Halifax having major surgery to remove a tumour from my abdomen! But then there are times when it feels like several months have passed …. I guess because I have recovered so easily and quickly this time (knock on wood).  Over the past couple of weeks I have had such good days that only the scar reminds me of what I've been through.

I started driving again on Sunday morning; a short jaunt to a local restaurant to meet five of my BFF’s from high school for a catch up breakfast. My girls …. They are so supportive. It still amazes me that we can gather around a table and continue our conversations as if we just saw each other yesterday. Our relationships are so easy. I consider myself VERY fortunate to have these gals in my life. As we get older, our conversations have drastically changed – the topic of boyfriends and dances has turned into children, grandchildren, and the pitfalls of getting older. Well, I guess things do change after 37 years, right?? LOL

But I digress. I have some wonderful news that I have been dying to share with you!! My Oncologist called today with his follow up report. And I have been floating on Cloud 9 since that conversation. Let me tell you all about it …..

During surgery, my Oncologist had discovered 3 nodules near the same area where my tumour was located. Naturally, the foregone conclusion was that these nodules were probably the start of 3 more GCT’s, so just to confirm, one was snipped and the sample sent off to the lab for testing. Since the surgery, I have been saying numerous prayers that these little guys would take their good old time growing to a size large enough to remove surgically. Although I am normally an optimistic person and deal with this disease head on, on the night before this last surgery, I experienced an all time low mentally. I wanted to run away … not go through with it at all, but that was not an option. And just this morning when I first awoke, I lay there wondering how long it would be this time before I was back under the knife again – a thought that has been on my mind fairly frequently.

Well, the news I got today has given me a something to be very gratefully for and a pardon, if you will, from these dark thoughts. Dr. Bentley tells me that the results of the testing on the nodules have come back NEGATIVE for cancer cells!!!! That’s right – NEGATIVE!!  I’m still in shock … a good shock … and feeling ecstatic because I can now push those thoughts of early recurrence to the back of my mind – at least for the time being!!

Now, that doesn't mean that the GCT he removed wasn't cancerous. It was. And I’m not naive  I know that there is a very strong possibility that I will have to face surgery again in the future. But because these little guys aren't ‘thriving’ GCT’s, I can now hope that it will be a much longer period of time before I have to go under the knife again. Dr. Bentley tells me that he considers this a very good sign. I certainly couldn't agree more!!

So that’s my story for today!! I’m feeling wonderful, still behaving myself to prevent complications, able to drive the car again, and simply enjoying the extra special care that Willie has giving me this past month. Hmmmmm …. Maybe I should drag this out just a little longer so that the TLC part of the experience doesn't have to end too soon!! hehe

Until next time …….

~ B-Optimistic ~   J

THE COUNTDOWN IS NEARLY OVER ... JUST ONE MORE SLEEP …..

Well, it’s down to the wire now and I’m starting to feel the anxiety levels rise. I’ve actually done quite well over the past couple of weeks, but the thought of only one more sleep is making me a bit antsy. What I wouldn’t give right now to wake up and realize that it is all a bad dream. But it’s not …..

I’m not really sure how to describe the emotional roller coaster I’m on right now. Of course the main emotion is fear, a sensation that touches every part of my being now and even more so over the next few days. My list includes the …….

Fear that I will be up too late tonight getting ready and not get enough sleep.

Fear that I will oversleep in the morning and have to rush around to get out the door on time.

Fear that I won’t have an appetite and not be able to stop along the highway somewhere for a late breakfast or an early lunch before I am faced with the prospect of eating hospital food.

Fear that I will wind up on a 3-day diet of ice chips like last time – which made the hospital food look very appealing!

Fear that I will be late for check-in on the 5^th Floor of the VG Hospital.

Fear that something will happen to the reservations at Point Pleasant Lodge and I won’t be with Willie when he checks in to straighten it all out.

Fear that there won’t be a parking place at the back of the Lodge for Willie to park the car off of the streets of Halifax.

Fear that something will happen to the boys when they travel down tomorrow night.

Fear that my surgery, which is scheduled for 2 o’clock, will be delayed and I will have to wait even longer than planned.

Fear that Dr. Bentley will find more than he bargained for when he goes in.

Fear that I will come out of surgery with more complications than expected.

Fear that I won’t come out of surgery.

Fear that I will pick up some bug at the hospital and end up sicker than I should be.

And oh so many more fears that I could fill this page and the next ………

But I have to end the list here and go pack my bag for the journey to end the fear of forgetting something. :-) Hopefully my next post will be a bit less dismal with a lot more hopes than fears.

Until next time …..

~BOptimistic ~

MY ONCOLOGIST’S CONSULTATION IS COMPLETE

It was a VERY long day yesterday. We left home around 7:30 a.m. for the 4 ½ drive to Halifax. With my appointment at 2 o’clock, unknown construction delays, and a planned stop at Murphy’s Fish & Chips for lunch, we did not want to be rushed. We got lost once just as we arrived in Halifax when I tried to use my tablet as a guide. Yup, it is just like reading a map and I guess my record for that one goes untarnished – still not my forte. lol So out came the GPS and she guided us through the maze of streets and traffic to our destination – a full ½ hour before the appointment.

I was hurting by the time we got there and had a very difficult time standing up straight when I walked the long distance from the car to the Oncologist’s office. The pain from sitting and being jostled by the constant dodging of potholes had taken its toll. But one thing is for certain …  being in agony during my examination easily communicated to the Oncologist that my pain rating of 8 out of 10 wasn’t exaggerated. And, if I had been fine, I probably would not have pushed my desire to have a quick surgery date as effectively. After all, who wants to have surgery when they are feeling great??

The actual consultation was a good and positive one. There were no surprises; there is only one tumour and he says it is ripe for picking! He is confident going in that it will be no worse than in the past. And he was very pleased that this recurrence is more than four years out, compared with the last one that occurred within one year.

His warnings regarding the actual surgery are all the same – the tumour could be brushing up against the stomach and/or the small or large bowel, a fact that could result in the scraping or removal of part of the affected area to prevent future problems. He was pleased that we have been fortunate in the past not to have to remove any portion of the bowel, so he has lots to work with if a resection is required. Fingers crossed that this won’t be needed.

I had joked four years ago about installing a zipper to make future surgeries easier. He took me seriously, saying that he didn’t think it would work well in my situation. Say what? They really do that, I said? Apparently they do. So this time, he remembered what I had said and joked about ‘our zipper technique’. Love this guy!

But with all the talk of the things that could happen during surgery, when the discussion came around to post surgery I once again reminded him that I am still anti-chemo. Well, here’s where the angels sang, lightning flashed, and I swear I heard a brass band strike a tune in the hallway – he actually bowed his head and then admitted that he has to now agree with my views on chemo. Wow! Another “Say What?” moment. After seven years of having to reiterate my anti-chemo thoughts, it is wonderful that he has finally come around to my side, and of his own accord. He has always agreed with my argument that there is no evidence chemo would work for me, but he always said I should consider that it might be necessary. This is the first time that he has come right out and said that that he backs me up. What a relief ….. And what a large smile I must have been sporting at that point in time.

Now don’t get me wrong. Chemo might be right for some people and help for certain cancers, but not for GCT. There is no proof that it works for those of us with this disease, but there is plenty of evidence that it causes other very serious complications, including irreparable nerve and organ damage. Since I return to a healthy status in between surgeries, I am pleased that I will continue to be able to forego treatment and continue to do that.

The consultation was an hour long. The drive home was so much longer! I was stress free mentally. However, the stress on my body was more horrendous than I realized. When I got in the house, I could barely walk up the two flights of stairs to my bedroom. And, when I finally made it, I was shivering uncontrollably, probably on the verge of exhaustion. It’s amazing how your body can hold up as long as it has to. I crashed. I was shaking and freezing and with a lot of effort on my part, got changed into my night clothes and immediately - and with much effort - crawled under the covers to get warm. I didn’t even have the energy to open my eyes when Willie came up to check on me. I was asleep within minutes. Two hours later I awoke feeling halfway human again.

Today, after a wonderful sleep - I swear I never moved a muscle all night long – I find that the pain in my side has improved a great deal. I won’t be doing anything crazy (like housework lol), but at least I can move about without holding my side and moaning loudly with pain. Fingers crossed that things continue to improve as the days go on. J

So, as it stands, I should get a call with my surgery date sometime in the near future. However, if I have another painful incident like I had this past Sunday – which is caused, he suspects, by the tumour bleeding into itself - I am to make my way to the nearest ER and have them call my Oncologist to arrange a transfer to Halifax, if necessary. I will be praying that this action will not be required … I’m willing to wait a few weeks!!

Until next time ……

~B-Optimistic ~

READY TO GO .....

Today we leave for my consultation in Halifax. I slept fairly well last night considering, but I don't think I moved a muscle at all. I am torn and tense this morning - on one hand I am hoping that he keeps me there today and does the surgery ASAP. It seems so far away when I am here at home. On the other hand, the discomfort and pain when I move or cough or sneeze or yawn is really worrying me and I am hoping if he sends me home today that he can offer some reassurance that this will eventually ease like it has the other 2 or 3 times. Or at least give me some good drugs ... LOL

I was awake at 5:30 and tried to get back to sleep, but no go. I've packed a bag ... just in case ... and taking my laptop and tablet because I'd be lost without the ability to communicate with friends and family.

I will post later, either from home or from Halifax - depending on the result of my visit today. Keep praying, my friends. It's my safety net and what gets me through! :-)

Until next time ....
~ BOptimistic ~

Would you Want to Know Everything?

Would you want to know all of the details of your cancer prognosis ..... every little detail, no matter how devastating? According to this article, that might not be what you get from your doctor.

My gynecologist/surgeon was very forthcoming with every detail of my condition, both before and after my first surgery. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. By knowing all the details, I was able to educate myself and, hopefully, ask better questions the second and third time I went under the knife. 

Would I want to know if I had only months to live? You betcha. Because I would make the most of every last minute that I had remaining. Gory? I don't think so. It's the real deal. We're all going to go sometime. 

Tim McGraw says it best ...... Live Like you were Dying

Until next time .......

~B-Optimistic~

Some Days I Wonder ....

I am in one of those moods ... not sure what emotions I am experiencing, but know that there is definitely a variety of them stirring up something that might – or might not be – good.

A lot has been going on, but not so much affecting me directly. However, isn’t it strange how outside influences can sometimes affect your train of thought and dig into your psyche like a worm in wood?

My biggest personality flaw is worrying about others, to the detriment of my own thoughts and feelings. Putting others first is good, but after a time it can really wear one down. I think that is how I am feeling today.

But, being the optimist that I am, I know tomorrow will be a better day!

Until next time .....
~ B-Optimisitic ~

Letting Go and Taking Control

Today I decided I had to take back control of my life. Over the past couple of months I have noticed myself falling once again into my old habit of getting too involved in the lives of my friends and family; taking on their problems as if they are my own. And it was taking its toll on my mind and body.

Physically, I was starting to feel the anxiety; Pains, tightness, and tenseness in my chest from fretting and worrying. Mentally, I was unable to focus on any one specific task at home and couldn’t motivate myself to start or finish any projects that needed to be done. It all just seemed to be too overwhelming so I haven’t done anything.

The fact that we’ve had only a few days of full blown sunshine over the past couple of months probably hasn’t helped my mental attitude. I have very little patience and seem to get angry way too easily … guess you’d say I was “sweating the small stuff.”

Today was the turning point. The sun was shining this morning and my husband and I took off for a solo cruise in the Miata. I had a difficult time relaxing at first even though I so enjoy our cruises. The tenseness in my chest was so much more obvious today. So I made the decision that I had to let go for my health; I had to let go of my fears for my brother and brother-in-law and their personal battles with cancer; I had to realize that the household tasks that need to be done outside are not going to get done until the weatherman quits calling for rain.

I started repeating in my head: My life is good. I have my health. I must let go of others problems. Over and over I said this. Soon the tenseness left me. The anxiety dissipated. After ½ hour of driving and repeating these statements in my head, I was able to relax and enjoy the day!!

I know it won’t be easy. It’s hard for me to not think of the issues that those close to me face on a daily basis. But I just have to remember not to personalize their problems any longer. I can still care. I just have to ensure I don't literally “feel” their pain.

They say that you can change a habit with three weeks of repetition. I am hoping this theory will help me change this habit!! Wish me luck …..

Until next time ……..
~ BOptimistic ~