Words of Wisdom ......

Make your bucket list ... and get 'er done! 

LIFE: The Memory Factor

I find it amazing how certain events that have happened during my lifetime have been etched into my memory with such force that just hearing the event mentioned takes me there immediately – all senses on high alert.  My heart still hurt whenever I would hear of another team being sent into space. Immediately I return to 1986, sitting in my car at the end of my driveway, tears rolling down my cheeks and a feeling of sadness and disbelief spreading over me. Why? Because that’s where I was when the news came on the radio announcing the explosion of the U.S. Challenger, just seconds into its flight and resulting in the death of the first female astronaut in the U.S. Space program. I will always recall the image of my co-workers in D320 hovering around a computer monitor uttering cries of disbelief as we all huddled together watching the events unfold during the terrorist attack of the World Trade Center in 2001. And me, standing inside my back door looking out in June 2002, home alone and crying my heart out, thinking that my days were numbered because I had just received a diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer an hour previously.

It’s more than 12 years later and I no longer see my diagnosis as a death sentence. I go through the entire range of emotions with each re-diagnosis, but the feelings of helplessness and fear of having cancer have faded over the years. They have been replaced with a combination of dread and anger – dread more for the surgical and recovery processes than the fact that the tumours have returned. Anger because this thing just won’t go away permanently … and probably never will. I have learned to live with my disease and I deal with each episode as it occurs, but I find that I become more frightened of the surgery itself rather than the disease and the fact that this process – not the actual cancer – could hold my fate.

But, as my oncologist and surgeon have both told me, there is absolutely every possibility that I will be around for a very long time, passing eventually from something totally unrelated to my cancer. With a strong faith in a higher power and trust in the expertise of my surgeons, that could very well be true!

Until next time ......

~ B-Optimistic ~

September is Ovarian Cancer month in Canada. Know the symptoms.

http://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/cancer-type/ovarian/signs-and-symptoms/?region=on

Four Year Anniversary

The 4-year anniversary of my last cancer surgery is coming up next week - so far, so good.  I was reading through my journal from that time in my life and it is really surprising what I had forgotten!

I had a good chuckle when I read this section: “I remember feeling very confident when I awoke from the anesthesia this time. I can't describe it any other way, but it was a very palpable feeling. Even before asking whether I required a colostomy, which seems to be my first response when they wake me up, I felt good - no nausea at all. For some reason I don't remember coming back upstairs to my room. I do, however, remember that every time I opened my eyes, Willie, Bob & Jeff had their chairs circling the bottom of the bed and all were staring at me as if they were waiting for me to breathe or something. Talk about make someone paranoid!! haha I sent them all home at a decent time tonight. I imagine they are tired from the day and I am doing fine.”

I also wrote about the other special people I met during this journey – a lovely but lonely lady from PEI whose son was her only relative and he wasn’t arriving until the next day, the 72 year old who had brain cancer and was facing radiation for the umpteenth time but still had a whole lot of spunk left in her, the 60+ year old gentleman who had throat cancer and had been given 5 months to live if he didn’t have treatment. He decided to try the radiation but had to live at the hospital for the entire month because he had no family - his wife had just been admitted to a local psychiatric hospital. I looked forward to our chats in the TV room. 

And then there was Barb from Sussex (it really is a small world) who arrived a couple of days before I left. Barb and I had a lot of time to sit and talk between family visits. We even shared email addresses and kept in touch for several months afterwards. The last message I received from her was not a good one - her cancer had returned quickly - and severely - and she was leaving that afternoon for Saint John to undergo intensive treatments. I never heard from her again.

I spent a week in hospital. A lot happens; a lot changes, a lot is forgotten. But I can guaranteed that these wonderful people who touched my heart will be with me forever. As I write this, I see their faces. And I wonder.

Until next time ......

BOptimistic!! :-) 

From Zero to 60 and Back Again

I have been going through a lot of emotional ups and downs over the past couple of weeks since losing my canine companion, Rocky. Fortunately, I have great friends that help keep my mind occupied and my spirits high.

It’s when I’m alone that it hits home and I experience those silly little emotional moments that really catch me unawares; wiping dog nose prints off of windows, putting leftover spaghetti (one of Rocky’s favourite things) in the garbage can rather than in his bowl, and most importantly, not having him to cuddle into the back of my knees when I go to sleep.

But, for the most part, I’m doing okay and a recent unexpected occurrence has made me realize just how insignificant my situation is.

My husband and I bought a little convertible a few years ago and we love to take off on sunny days and just go where the wind blows us. Our hobby has brought us into an amazing circle of friends; some who were once just acquaintances but who have become fast friends and a few new people that we are thrilled to know. We all get together every so often for a bit of social fun – movie, bowling, dinner, day cruises in our cars.

Patsy and her husband, Jack (not their real names) were infrequent participants in our “group of twelve” activities, so my husband and I were just beginning to get to know them. They always seemed to be quite happy and well suited for each other; no sign of turmoil in their relationship that any of us were aware of – not even those who knew them well.

I just discovered over the weekend that Patsy and Jack decided that their marriage of 22 years was over and it was time to make the split. You see, Jack apparently hasn’t heard the saying, “The grass might look greener on the other side, but it still needs to be mowed,” and he has been doing some alternate landscaping for the past year or more.

This news came right out of left field and presented all of us with food for fodder. Nothing could have lessened the shock for any of us. So, needless to say, they were the topic of conversation over dinner when we joined our little circle of friends this past Saturday evening. It was definitely not a gossip session; we are all genuinely concerned for our friend Patsy and flabbergasted that Jack made the choice that he has.

I won’t speak for the men, but we ladies admitted to being very comfortable in our long marriages, with most of us married for more than 25 years. But we also confessed that the foundation of our own relationships has been given a little shake with the news of Patsy and her husband’s split.

We also had varied opinions about what we would do if it had happened to us. Two stated adamantly that hubby would have been served something delicate on a plate and then tossed to the side of the road; two more would definitely serve the entrée, but were a bit more concerned and less certain about their reactions to the possibility of living without their mate; and the fifth admitted that she would be totally devastated if this ever happened.

There are probably many things that our little group will never know about Patsy and Jack’s marriage. But what we do know for sure is that the other woman (who was not a member of our group) set her sights on Jack and he was obviously a willing participant. Could this ever happen to us? Of course; we are not naïve. We all know that there is always that “other woman” waiting in the wings …….

Life is full of gains and losses, ups and downs, joy and sadness. My heart goes out to our friend, Patsy, who I can guarantee is facing something a whole lot more difficult than wiping nose prints off a window. For Patsy, there will never be closure; those spontaneous memories will haunt her every time she looks at a family photo or wears a particular piece of clothing or jewellery. How often will she read an article and turn to share it with Jack, only to find him no longer there? Patsy’s life has been forever changed and 22 years of marriage and memories will follow her no matter where she goes.

I don’t believe that any of us can, nor want to, fathom what Patsy is going through right now. But we, her friends – both male and female - will be there to support her.

And we all realize that some days it is just a bit more difficult to …..

~ B-Optimistic ~