Time Flies .....

Time flies. Seriously. My Mother always said that when you get older, it will go faster. When your Mom tells you something like this, you really should take it seriously. She was so right! I can’t believe that it’s already been nearly 10 months since my last blog post. I can’t say that it has ALL been fun though!

An update from my last post (and I apologize for my lateness with this task):

I enjoyed Christmas with family! That was an unexpected, but well accepted bonus. With surgery scheduled for January 5^th, I got to enjoy all of the festivities. I am not sure if that is the reason, but I do have to say that I was a real trooper this time. I stayed calm (well, somewhat calm) and went in with the attitude that ‘it is what it is’. I walked to the OR and sat patiently waiting for them to get things ready for ‘my turn’. The surgery itself was standard. Both tumours were removed – both easily – but unfortunately one of them ruptured, pretty much guaranteeing that this won’t be my last walk down that long hallway. ☹

My recovery in hospital, although not horrendous, was far from pleasant. I was a patient longer than hoped for as I had more complications than the previous 4 surgeries. I was assigned a different anesthesiologist (even though I asked for my usual guy) and I really do think that makes a difference. I ended up with kidney issues that thankfully were dealt with quickly and successfully, a touch of pneumonia, and an allergic reaction to the pain killer - which resulted in a longer hospital stay. I was in misery the whole time I was there. The hospital was too hot (even the nurses complained) and I do not handle heat well. I could not wait to leave. It was wonderful to be home, but once there, I developed what was believed to be two seromas, both requiring surgically inserted drainage tubes, another factor to slow my recovery time. Thankfully it was winter and I had no urge to step outside the door. It was two months before I could say that I felt human again. But I survived.

I am now doing OK now after 7 months and the tenderness is finally easing to the point where it is just occasional discomfort. Life is getting back to normal (well, whatever ‘normal’ is for a cancer survivor). Honestly, I really don’t remember what a normal life feels like …. I’ve spent way too long in this phase of my existence.

I was surprised to find that I have more anger after this last surgery. I am angry that I always have anxiety when a new ache or pain appears. I am angry that I will always have that threat of ‘return’ hanging over my head and angry that it also affects not only my life, but that of my children and grandchildren.

But, thankfully, I also have that optimism in the back of my mind … it’s just there … as it should be. Because there is always hope. I’m still alive. And it’s been 15 years. I have friends and acquaintances who have passed recently who only had months after their diagnosis. Life is not always fair. And I can’t help but wonder … why am I still here? Do I still have some mission that I haven’t accomplished yet? Some stone unturned? A goal that I set for myself when I came back as this persona – yes, I do believe that we return. 😉 Whatever it is, I will wait for it … and hope I recognize it when it happens. And for the record -  If optimism is what is keeping me here, then I guess I’m in it for the long haul!

The moral to this story? Enjoy your life. If my friends David, Dwain, Anna, Angus, Dave, and others were here, they would tell you the exact same thing. Don’t take anything for granted. Oh, and one more thing. My Mother was right, but with one exception …. Time does fly, but you don’t always get older to find that out. R.I.P. my friends.

Until next time …….

B-Optimistic  😊

GCT - The Saga Continues

Well, it became official a few weeks ago - following confirmation from a CT Scan - that I am once again facing a GCT recurrence. I went 4 years this time before the tell-tale pain in my side hit, but I was thrown off a bit because there had been no other cues - no persistent cough, no loss of appetite, no common symptoms at all. The pain lasted only long enough for me to make the decision to seek out medical attention, but has been absent since that time. So, for the past couple of months, I have lived life as usual, with nothing to slow me down. But the verdict is in, it is there, and it must come out.

I saw my Oncologist in Halifax, N.S. this past Thursday. We discussed the potential complications that could transpire with surgery - nothing different from previous pre-surgery discussions - but with each subsequent surgery, the risks do become magnified. I could have chosen the option to wait and watch, but in my mind that just increased the risks for when the time came that I did have to have the surgery. So onward we go!

Christmas this year will be spent either in hospital or at home recuperating from surgery, but that is fine. And this year my list to Santa is just a little different. Rather than asking him to bring me something, I am asking him to take something away!! Won't he be surprised! HOHOHO

Until next time ....
~ BOptimistic (in spite of it all) ~

LIFE: The Memory Factor

I find it amazing how certain events that have happened during my lifetime have been etched into my memory with such force that just hearing the event mentioned takes me there immediately – all senses on high alert.  My heart still hurt whenever I would hear of another team being sent into space. Immediately I return to 1986, sitting in my car at the end of my driveway, tears rolling down my cheeks and a feeling of sadness and disbelief spreading over me. Why? Because that’s where I was when the news came on the radio announcing the explosion of the U.S. Challenger, just seconds into its flight and resulting in the death of the first female astronaut in the U.S. Space program. I will always recall the image of my co-workers in D320 hovering around a computer monitor uttering cries of disbelief as we all huddled together watching the events unfold during the terrorist attack of the World Trade Center in 2001. And me, standing inside my back door looking out in June 2002, home alone and crying my heart out, thinking that my days were numbered because I had just received a diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer an hour previously.

It’s more than 12 years later and I no longer see my diagnosis as a death sentence. I go through the entire range of emotions with each re-diagnosis, but the feelings of helplessness and fear of having cancer have faded over the years. They have been replaced with a combination of dread and anger – dread more for the surgical and recovery processes than the fact that the tumours have returned. Anger because this thing just won’t go away permanently … and probably never will. I have learned to live with my disease and I deal with each episode as it occurs, but I find that I become more frightened of the surgery itself rather than the disease and the fact that this process – not the actual cancer – could hold my fate.

But, as my oncologist and surgeon have both told me, there is absolutely every possibility that I will be around for a very long time, passing eventually from something totally unrelated to my cancer. With a strong faith in a higher power and trust in the expertise of my surgeons, that could very well be true!

Until next time ......

~ B-Optimistic ~

September is Ovarian Cancer month in Canada. Know the symptoms.

http://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/cancer-type/ovarian/signs-and-symptoms/?region=on

THE COUNTDOWN IS NEARLY OVER ... JUST ONE MORE SLEEP …..

Well, it’s down to the wire now and I’m starting to feel the anxiety levels rise. I’ve actually done quite well over the past couple of weeks, but the thought of only one more sleep is making me a bit antsy. What I wouldn’t give right now to wake up and realize that it is all a bad dream. But it’s not …..

I’m not really sure how to describe the emotional roller coaster I’m on right now. Of course the main emotion is fear, a sensation that touches every part of my being now and even more so over the next few days. My list includes the …….

Fear that I will be up too late tonight getting ready and not get enough sleep.

Fear that I will oversleep in the morning and have to rush around to get out the door on time.

Fear that I won’t have an appetite and not be able to stop along the highway somewhere for a late breakfast or an early lunch before I am faced with the prospect of eating hospital food.

Fear that I will wind up on a 3-day diet of ice chips like last time – which made the hospital food look very appealing!

Fear that I will be late for check-in on the 5^th Floor of the VG Hospital.

Fear that something will happen to the reservations at Point Pleasant Lodge and I won’t be with Willie when he checks in to straighten it all out.

Fear that there won’t be a parking place at the back of the Lodge for Willie to park the car off of the streets of Halifax.

Fear that something will happen to the boys when they travel down tomorrow night.

Fear that my surgery, which is scheduled for 2 o’clock, will be delayed and I will have to wait even longer than planned.

Fear that Dr. Bentley will find more than he bargained for when he goes in.

Fear that I will come out of surgery with more complications than expected.

Fear that I won’t come out of surgery.

Fear that I will pick up some bug at the hospital and end up sicker than I should be.

And oh so many more fears that I could fill this page and the next ………

But I have to end the list here and go pack my bag for the journey to end the fear of forgetting something. :-) Hopefully my next post will be a bit less dismal with a lot more hopes than fears.

Until next time …..

~BOptimistic ~

TWO WEEKS … THE COUNTDOWN IS ON

Well, the countdown is on. I got THE call from Halifax this afternoon and I am scheduled for surgery at 2 o’clock on Monday, September 24^th. I’m very grateful to my Oncologist for working things out so that I don’t have to make two trips to Halifax and instead will check into my ‘suite’ at the VG on Sunday afternoon and have all of the pre-op tests done that day. Feeling as I am, it would have been a very rough journey to undertake twice!

So now the planning begins. The reservations are made at the Lodge for Willie and the boys, who are coming along for moral support.  I’ve booked a whole week for Willie’s stay since that seems to be the usual length of time that I remain in hospital, but hopefully it will be a speedier recovery this time. I sure wish I was booking a room for that vacation we planned on taking this fall instead ….. But, it is what it is. Maybe we'll still get a couple of nights away somewhere once these hurricanes have passed. :-)

Am I nervous? As long as I don’t REALLY think about it, I am OK. I expect that I will be scared out of my britches by the time Friday before surgery rolls around, so I’ll enjoy this naivety while I can. But having trust in my Oncologist/Surgeon makes all the difference in the world with regard to my mental state and he has a wonderful team close at hand to take care of any little surprises that might arise. So I guess it’s all good.

Meanwhile, keep those prayers and positive vibes coming my way! I’ve got to go make a list of priorities!!

Until next time …..

~B-Optimistic~