Four Year Anniversary

The 4-year anniversary of my last cancer surgery is coming up next week - so far, so good.  I was reading through my journal from that time in my life and it is really surprising what I had forgotten!

I had a good chuckle when I read this section: “I remember feeling very confident when I awoke from the anesthesia this time. I can't describe it any other way, but it was a very palpable feeling. Even before asking whether I required a colostomy, which seems to be my first response when they wake me up, I felt good - no nausea at all. For some reason I don't remember coming back upstairs to my room. I do, however, remember that every time I opened my eyes, Willie, Bob & Jeff had their chairs circling the bottom of the bed and all were staring at me as if they were waiting for me to breathe or something. Talk about make someone paranoid!! haha I sent them all home at a decent time tonight. I imagine they are tired from the day and I am doing fine.”

I also wrote about the other special people I met during this journey – a lovely but lonely lady from PEI whose son was her only relative and he wasn’t arriving until the next day, the 72 year old who had brain cancer and was facing radiation for the umpteenth time but still had a whole lot of spunk left in her, the 60+ year old gentleman who had throat cancer and had been given 5 months to live if he didn’t have treatment. He decided to try the radiation but had to live at the hospital for the entire month because he had no family - his wife had just been admitted to a local psychiatric hospital. I looked forward to our chats in the TV room. 

And then there was Barb from Sussex (it really is a small world) who arrived a couple of days before I left. Barb and I had a lot of time to sit and talk between family visits. We even shared email addresses and kept in touch for several months afterwards. The last message I received from her was not a good one - her cancer had returned quickly - and severely - and she was leaving that afternoon for Saint John to undergo intensive treatments. I never heard from her again.

I spent a week in hospital. A lot happens; a lot changes, a lot is forgotten. But I can guaranteed that these wonderful people who touched my heart will be with me forever. As I write this, I see their faces. And I wonder.

Until next time ......

BOptimistic!! :-) 

Reflections ....

Last week, as we took a cruise with the top down to cool off from the day’s mugginess, I seemed to be more aware of my surroundings and very in-tuned to my feelings and emotions.

As we drove past each little “community of residences” within our Village, I couldn’t help but think about the changes that have occurred over the past ten years; the people who no longer live there ... or, in some cases, the people who are no longer living.

For some reason on this particular evening my psyche seemed to stop. All of the memories of these people came crashing in around me, awakening a feeling of sadness and mourning that perhaps I had left bottled up inside and not dealt with as I should. It wasn’t a tear-filled period of time, just a feeling of longing for time to turn back .....

I feel absolutely blessed; but there are times when I can’t help but wonder why I have survived when so many have passed on. It makes me think that there is something that I need to be doing; some reason that I am still here. But perhaps I am doing what is required of me at this time and it’s just not openly visible!

Enjoy your time today. Don’t waste time planning what you need to do tomorrow ... there may not be a tomorrow. If you have a desire to accomplish something in your life – no matter how large or small – make it happen. It is in you. Don’t become that empty house where no one lives.

Until next time ......
~ B-Optimistic ~

From Zero to 60 and Back Again

I have been going through a lot of emotional ups and downs over the past couple of weeks since losing my canine companion, Rocky. Fortunately, I have great friends that help keep my mind occupied and my spirits high.

It’s when I’m alone that it hits home and I experience those silly little emotional moments that really catch me unawares; wiping dog nose prints off of windows, putting leftover spaghetti (one of Rocky’s favourite things) in the garbage can rather than in his bowl, and most importantly, not having him to cuddle into the back of my knees when I go to sleep.

But, for the most part, I’m doing okay and a recent unexpected occurrence has made me realize just how insignificant my situation is.

My husband and I bought a little convertible a few years ago and we love to take off on sunny days and just go where the wind blows us. Our hobby has brought us into an amazing circle of friends; some who were once just acquaintances but who have become fast friends and a few new people that we are thrilled to know. We all get together every so often for a bit of social fun – movie, bowling, dinner, day cruises in our cars.

Patsy and her husband, Jack (not their real names) were infrequent participants in our “group of twelve” activities, so my husband and I were just beginning to get to know them. They always seemed to be quite happy and well suited for each other; no sign of turmoil in their relationship that any of us were aware of – not even those who knew them well.

I just discovered over the weekend that Patsy and Jack decided that their marriage of 22 years was over and it was time to make the split. You see, Jack apparently hasn’t heard the saying, “The grass might look greener on the other side, but it still needs to be mowed,” and he has been doing some alternate landscaping for the past year or more.

This news came right out of left field and presented all of us with food for fodder. Nothing could have lessened the shock for any of us. So, needless to say, they were the topic of conversation over dinner when we joined our little circle of friends this past Saturday evening. It was definitely not a gossip session; we are all genuinely concerned for our friend Patsy and flabbergasted that Jack made the choice that he has.

I won’t speak for the men, but we ladies admitted to being very comfortable in our long marriages, with most of us married for more than 25 years. But we also confessed that the foundation of our own relationships has been given a little shake with the news of Patsy and her husband’s split.

We also had varied opinions about what we would do if it had happened to us. Two stated adamantly that hubby would have been served something delicate on a plate and then tossed to the side of the road; two more would definitely serve the entrée, but were a bit more concerned and less certain about their reactions to the possibility of living without their mate; and the fifth admitted that she would be totally devastated if this ever happened.

There are probably many things that our little group will never know about Patsy and Jack’s marriage. But what we do know for sure is that the other woman (who was not a member of our group) set her sights on Jack and he was obviously a willing participant. Could this ever happen to us? Of course; we are not naïve. We all know that there is always that “other woman” waiting in the wings …….

Life is full of gains and losses, ups and downs, joy and sadness. My heart goes out to our friend, Patsy, who I can guarantee is facing something a whole lot more difficult than wiping nose prints off a window. For Patsy, there will never be closure; those spontaneous memories will haunt her every time she looks at a family photo or wears a particular piece of clothing or jewellery. How often will she read an article and turn to share it with Jack, only to find him no longer there? Patsy’s life has been forever changed and 22 years of marriage and memories will follow her no matter where she goes.

I don’t believe that any of us can, nor want to, fathom what Patsy is going through right now. But we, her friends – both male and female - will be there to support her.

And we all realize that some days it is just a bit more difficult to …..

~ B-Optimistic ~