I Really am Doing Fine ......

My three (3) year post surgery anniversary is coming up in mid September 2015. I'd like to forget that I’ve ever had cancer, but the thought really never does go away completely. Once you’ve had cancer, it is always quick to give you a fright. Every little ache or pain becomes magnified – like an echo in a barrel. But so far, so good! Right now I’m fine and still sticking by my ‘One day at a time’ motto … which goes hand in hand with my favourite saying, ‘It is what it is’. I remain optimistic in light of it all. The odds are good that GCT will pop up again, but that doesn’t mean it will. See! Optimism galore! ;-)

I can only assume that others who have been through their own struggles with cancer can share this - I expect it’s common. Lately I have noticed a little extra something when people I haven’t seen in awhile ask how I am doing. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had so many recurrences over the past 13 years. Whatever the reason, I answer this question with my normal, “I’m fine today. One day at a time, you know” accentuated with a smile. (I used to say, “I’m doing great!” until the 3^rd and 4^th recurrence. Then I figured I should add the ‘warning’.) ;-)

It’s nice that people are concerned and I do greatly appreciate that they ask. But what’s up with the intense look that some seem to give? It seems like they intentionally tilt their heads so they can look me directly in the eye, like they are trying to look deep in my soul to see if I’m telling the truth! And I feel obligated to repeat that I am, indeed, doing well. No need to worry, I’m fine. And ‘poof’.  Just like that the conversation has flipped from them being concerned about me to me being concerned that they are worried about me. Sometimes the feeling is so strong that I almost feel obligated to call them later to make sure THEY are OK! lol

But hey, that’s fine. I hope they don’t stop asking …. because as long as they do, that means they care (well, in most cases)! lol 

Until next time!

~ B-Optmistic ~

LIFE: The Memory Factor

I find it amazing how certain events that have happened during my lifetime have been etched into my memory with such force that just hearing the event mentioned takes me there immediately – all senses on high alert.  My heart still hurt whenever I would hear of another team being sent into space. Immediately I return to 1986, sitting in my car at the end of my driveway, tears rolling down my cheeks and a feeling of sadness and disbelief spreading over me. Why? Because that’s where I was when the news came on the radio announcing the explosion of the U.S. Challenger, just seconds into its flight and resulting in the death of the first female astronaut in the U.S. Space program. I will always recall the image of my co-workers in D320 hovering around a computer monitor uttering cries of disbelief as we all huddled together watching the events unfold during the terrorist attack of the World Trade Center in 2001. And me, standing inside my back door looking out in June 2002, home alone and crying my heart out, thinking that my days were numbered because I had just received a diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer an hour previously.

It’s more than 12 years later and I no longer see my diagnosis as a death sentence. I go through the entire range of emotions with each re-diagnosis, but the feelings of helplessness and fear of having cancer have faded over the years. They have been replaced with a combination of dread and anger – dread more for the surgical and recovery processes than the fact that the tumours have returned. Anger because this thing just won’t go away permanently … and probably never will. I have learned to live with my disease and I deal with each episode as it occurs, but I find that I become more frightened of the surgery itself rather than the disease and the fact that this process – not the actual cancer – could hold my fate.

But, as my oncologist and surgeon have both told me, there is absolutely every possibility that I will be around for a very long time, passing eventually from something totally unrelated to my cancer. With a strong faith in a higher power and trust in the expertise of my surgeons, that could very well be true!

Until next time ......

~ B-Optimistic ~

September is Ovarian Cancer month in Canada. Know the symptoms.

http://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/cancer-type/ovarian/signs-and-symptoms/?region=on

RECURRING CANCER - It's becoming a habit for me

Well, my friends. I have some news that I wanted to share with you personally before the word gets out on the street. I am not posting this because I am looking for sympathy or comments. In fact, if you know me at all, you know that the opposite of this is the case. I just know how quickly bad news travels on the ‘grapevine’ and how it is normally stretched right out of proportion. It won’t be long before the stories get started.

My latest CTScan at the end of July indicated that my cancer is back. I have a 12 cm tumour in approximately the same area as the last one. Only one, so that is great news! So, I am travelling once again to Halifax for a consultation with my Oncologist on September 6^th and expect to have a surgery date scheduled for some time after that.

Once the initial disappointment dissipated, my mental state has remained optimistic, just as it has been in the past. With this being my 4^th surgery to remove these little devils since 2002, it has gotten to the point that I just think “WHEN will the next recurrence be” not “Will the cancer return.” I refer to these recurrences as my “speed bumps on the road of life”.

Physically, I was feeling wonderful and staying active until two nights ago. My symptoms are not the same as the other 3 times and I’m hoping that is a good thing. Left sided pain that subsides to a bit of abdominal discomfort is all I have this time. But it was enough to make me suspect things were not quite right and I requested a Scan prior to my last check up, confirming the presence of another tumour. I continued to enjoy life in spite of it all over the past two months even with the diagnosis.J

I will try and keep everyone informed of what is happening so you know the truth, but if you hear something on the street and wonder if it’s true, do not be afraid to ask. There have been some wild stories with regard to my health status in the past. It’s been 10 years since my initial diagnosis and I plan on being around for another 30 - just to keep Willie’s life interesting!! LOL

You can be assured that I appreciate and accept all optimistic vibes and prayers for my upcoming surgery and recovery. I thank you for that. And although I know many of you will want to offer words of encouragement - I have witnessed how supportive you all are - I may not be able to keep up with the responses to this post AND get all of those household tasks done that I need to do before surgery. lol But I WILL make it my priority to answer any questions you might have about my condition if it will help make others more aware of the symptoms and issues surrounding Ovarian Cancer.

If you aren’t familiar with my past cancer history - and are interested - it's all right here on the blog. Now that I am making my recurrence ‘public’, I will try and keep you up to date on what is happening inside this mind of mine as well. J

Until next time ......

~ B-Optimistic ~

Four Year Anniversary

The 4-year anniversary of my last cancer surgery is coming up next week - so far, so good.  I was reading through my journal from that time in my life and it is really surprising what I had forgotten!

I had a good chuckle when I read this section: “I remember feeling very confident when I awoke from the anesthesia this time. I can't describe it any other way, but it was a very palpable feeling. Even before asking whether I required a colostomy, which seems to be my first response when they wake me up, I felt good - no nausea at all. For some reason I don't remember coming back upstairs to my room. I do, however, remember that every time I opened my eyes, Willie, Bob & Jeff had their chairs circling the bottom of the bed and all were staring at me as if they were waiting for me to breathe or something. Talk about make someone paranoid!! haha I sent them all home at a decent time tonight. I imagine they are tired from the day and I am doing fine.”

I also wrote about the other special people I met during this journey – a lovely but lonely lady from PEI whose son was her only relative and he wasn’t arriving until the next day, the 72 year old who had brain cancer and was facing radiation for the umpteenth time but still had a whole lot of spunk left in her, the 60+ year old gentleman who had throat cancer and had been given 5 months to live if he didn’t have treatment. He decided to try the radiation but had to live at the hospital for the entire month because he had no family - his wife had just been admitted to a local psychiatric hospital. I looked forward to our chats in the TV room. 

And then there was Barb from Sussex (it really is a small world) who arrived a couple of days before I left. Barb and I had a lot of time to sit and talk between family visits. We even shared email addresses and kept in touch for several months afterwards. The last message I received from her was not a good one - her cancer had returned quickly - and severely - and she was leaving that afternoon for Saint John to undergo intensive treatments. I never heard from her again.

I spent a week in hospital. A lot happens; a lot changes, a lot is forgotten. But I can guaranteed that these wonderful people who touched my heart will be with me forever. As I write this, I see their faces. And I wonder.

Until next time ......

BOptimistic!! :-) 

Cancer All Around

Life is good for me when the blog is not overloaded with entries. It’s been about six weeks since my last note and a lot has happened in the cancer world; not so much for me, but for people around me.

My brother-in-law, who is going to be 75 this year, has been diagnosed with cancer. He has growths on both vocal chords. We all suspected something was up. His voice has been raspy for months now. But he had also been told many years ago the raspy voice he was experiencing at that time was precancerous; that he should stop smoking immediately. He did. For awhile. At least he quit the cigarettes. But he started smoking those little cigars instead. Too bad. He’ll be starting his 35 radiation treatments in the next week or two. At 5 treatments per week, that’s 7 weeks (not including weekends) that he’ll spend at the hostile. Hopefully there are no complications for him; there is the possibility that the reduced airway passage could become blocked during treatment. That’s a scary thought for all of us; but probably much more frightening for him. Although he will be the last to admit it, I’m sure.

My brother, who is also in his mid 70’s, has been receiving chemo treatments in an effort to keep his Multiple Myeloma at bay. He’s not doing so well this past week. The treatment has recently turned on him and he is having a lot of problems like shortness of breath and stomach issues. His wife, who is not well herself and suffers from what is commonly known as “the sleeping sickness,” is very concerned. This is my brother’s second experience with cancer. He won the battle over prostrate cancer many years ago.

And, to add insult to injury, his daughter just went through an ordeal that started out as a simple day surgery and blossomed into an all out major ordeal with the removal of a lump in her breast the size of an orange along with several other smaller masses. She is home, sore but recovering. The doctor is certain that her lumps were benign! Yahoo!

My friend’s husband, who is only 57 years old, had prostrate surgery a few weeks back, but thankfully his news was very good. The cancer had not spread and he does not have to face any type of treatment!! Way to go, my friend!

A friend of my nephew’s was also diagnosed with prostrate cancer a couple of months ago but he, unfortunately, did not receive the same good news. At 54 years of age, his prognosis is only 3 years with treatment and 1 year without. I can’t imagine what he is going through at such a young age.

My cousin’s brother-in-law, who is in his 80’s, recently had a serious fall and through a series of tests and x-rays, it was discovered that he has spots on his lungs and bone cancer and really has a lot of other strikes against him right now, including dementia. How sad for his wife and family who now visit him on a daily basis, a 40 minute drive one way. He, and they, are dealing with a lot more than any of them can probably handle.

My blogger friend, Jen, has also been diagnosed with a recurrence of GCT and has, fortunately, found a new and promising physician who won’t put her through any unnecessary treatments. She’s an upbeat lady and I know that the road she is travelling is rough, but she will persevere and remain strong through her faith.

So, although I am presently feeling fabulous and hopefully cancer free, cancer is still forefront in my mind. And it will also be the main topic of my prayers.

I do hope that those I have spoken of today can keep their eyes on the prize and remember to ……

~ B-Optimistic ~

Spirituality on My Own Terms

Every so often I find myself focused too intently on cancer and, more specifically, the possibility of its return. There are no physical symptoms to bring it to my attention; it's just a mental glitch in my thought processes that began to plague me earlier this year when I was faced with my third surgery. The cancer reappeared too quickly last time and even though there is the "slightest" chance it will not return for several years, I find myself constantly watching for symptoms.

This overwhelming dread of "a cancer returned" struck me several times over the past week or so. I have no explanation why; there has been nothing obvious to draw me into the vortex of doom. It's just a fear; a shadow lurking in the dark recesses of my mind.

So what does this have to do with sprituality? My spirituality - my belief in a higher power - is my saving grace. It's the reason these dark thoughts do not take up residence; why I no longer dwell for days on the possibility of a recurrence; and why cancer has not taken over my life.

I am not a church goer. I did, however, attend a Pentecostal Sunday School until I was 15 years old, so I have a good knowledge base of "fire and brimstone".

I lost faith in the human transmission of God's word when one of those famous TV Evangelists locked himself in a tower and declared that unless viewers donated a million dollars to his ministry, God would strike him dead (or something similar to that). And I can still see the face of another TV Evangelist, distorted in a dramatical display of tears and pain, crying fervently for forgiveness - from God and the people - after his escapades with a prostitute became public. This guy reminded me of a child who, at any moment, might open one eye just to check and see if anyone is watching. And really people .... why all the glitz and glamour; makeup and false eyelashes; dramatics and deceit????

OK, perhaps there are individuals who actually get something from these "prophets of God" and I guess some people need a little reinforcement every so often. But personally, I prefer the direct line approach. For the record, I believe in guardian angels, higher beings, and God. So whoever is available at the moment is who I talk to and we have discussed my situation many times over the past 6 years.

I must admit, I had a difficult time at first letting go of my fear, leaving it in my higher being's (HB's) hands; just walking away. But this past few months it has gotten much easier. When the anxiety begins to overtake me, I pass my problems to HB, take a deep breath, put on a big smile, and face life and it's many obstacles with a new determination and a positive outlook.

After all, qu'est cera, cera!! What will be, will be. I'm not going to waste my time worrying about what is in store for me down the road. I'll just deal with each speed bump in the highway of life when, and if, I have to. Until then, HB is my "baggage" handler and he/she is taking really good care of me!!

Until next time .....
~ B-Optimistic ~

It's October 19th - a beautiful Sunday morning - and I have just found this blog - which I find to be an interesting addendum to my original post. In his blog, "dhamma musings", Shravasti Dhammika talks about another Pentecostal preacher who deceived his congregation. I hadn't heard about this one .... Check it out for yourself .... http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/2008/10/heal-thyself.html

And I would certainly be interested in reading similar stories of deceit as it strengthens my conviction to maintain a direct line with my own personal higher being!! Please send them my way .......