Spirituality on My Own Terms

Every so often I find myself focused too intently on cancer and, more specifically, the possibility of its return. There are no physical symptoms to bring it to my attention; it's just a mental glitch in my thought processes that began to plague me earlier this year when I was faced with my third surgery. The cancer reappeared too quickly last time and even though there is the "slightest" chance it will not return for several years, I find myself constantly watching for symptoms.

This overwhelming dread of "a cancer returned" struck me several times over the past week or so. I have no explanation why; there has been nothing obvious to draw me into the vortex of doom. It's just a fear; a shadow lurking in the dark recesses of my mind.

So what does this have to do with sprituality? My spirituality - my belief in a higher power - is my saving grace. It's the reason these dark thoughts do not take up residence; why I no longer dwell for days on the possibility of a recurrence; and why cancer has not taken over my life.

I am not a church goer. I did, however, attend a Pentecostal Sunday School until I was 15 years old, so I have a good knowledge base of "fire and brimstone".

I lost faith in the human transmission of God's word when one of those famous TV Evangelists locked himself in a tower and declared that unless viewers donated a million dollars to his ministry, God would strike him dead (or something similar to that). And I can still see the face of another TV Evangelist, distorted in a dramatical display of tears and pain, crying fervently for forgiveness - from God and the people - after his escapades with a prostitute became public. This guy reminded me of a child who, at any moment, might open one eye just to check and see if anyone is watching. And really people .... why all the glitz and glamour; makeup and false eyelashes; dramatics and deceit????

OK, perhaps there are individuals who actually get something from these "prophets of God" and I guess some people need a little reinforcement every so often. But personally, I prefer the direct line approach. For the record, I believe in guardian angels, higher beings, and God. So whoever is available at the moment is who I talk to and we have discussed my situation many times over the past 6 years.

I must admit, I had a difficult time at first letting go of my fear, leaving it in my higher being's (HB's) hands; just walking away. But this past few months it has gotten much easier. When the anxiety begins to overtake me, I pass my problems to HB, take a deep breath, put on a big smile, and face life and it's many obstacles with a new determination and a positive outlook.

After all, qu'est cera, cera!! What will be, will be. I'm not going to waste my time worrying about what is in store for me down the road. I'll just deal with each speed bump in the highway of life when, and if, I have to. Until then, HB is my "baggage" handler and he/she is taking really good care of me!!

Until next time .....
~ B-Optimistic ~

It's October 19th - a beautiful Sunday morning - and I have just found this blog - which I find to be an interesting addendum to my original post. In his blog, "dhamma musings", Shravasti Dhammika talks about another Pentecostal preacher who deceived his congregation. I hadn't heard about this one .... Check it out for yourself .... http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/2008/10/heal-thyself.html

And I would certainly be interested in reading similar stories of deceit as it strengthens my conviction to maintain a direct line with my own personal higher being!! Please send them my way .......

The Secret ......

Last night I finally unwrapped and started watching The Secret. I bought the DVD late last winter after a friend loaned me her copy. How much do I believe in this concept? A lot!!

I've always been an optimist and my husband always told me I must have a "lucky horseshoe" because "luck" seemed to come my way. But I accredited any good fortune to "being in the right place at the right time." The Secret takes it just beyond that ... describing how you can consciously attract to you what it is that you most desire in life; money, relationships, health ... whatever floats your boat.

So, I guess being in the right place at the right time must mean that I've practiced a wee bit of The Secret's philosophy. Basically, this is what The Secret says: What you think is what you get. If you think negative thoughts, then that is what you will attract to your life: negative things. Likewise, if you think positive thoughts .... well, you get my drift.

So how did I end up with cancer if, unconsciously, I've always put out positive vibes? I've done a lot of thinking about that. I discovered that I started putting out negative health vibes when I was a teenager working in a small rural post office handing out mail. Each day I would make small talk with the same people, watching them come and go. There were several who, to me, appeared to be old and feeble and who had a difficult time getting around. I told myself, and my husband (who I was dating at the time), that I never wanted to live to be "that" old. For years I maintained this same thought process; anytime I would see someone frail I would utter the same wish under my breath.

Then, commencing a few years later when we had young sons, I remember frequently asking that higher power to allow me to live long enough in life to see my children grown and settled. I just couldn't bear the thought that they would have to grow up without me in their life.

So, when I watched The Secret the first time earlier this year, I started thinking about these thoughts from my past and a lightbulb went off! I had unconsciously wished for cancer to enter my life!! Okay, maybe not "cancer" specifically. But think about it ..... I got my wish. I had lived long enough to see my children grown! My sons were 24 and 22 when I was first diagnosed; the oldest settled and happy in his own apartment and the youngest just newly graduated from university, off on a working adventure in the great white north. Hmmmm ... makes you think, doesn't it???

But once again "the horsehoe" has been polished. It appears that the powers-that-be realized that I was young and naive and didn't understand that things aren't always as bad as they appear! Remember those folks that looked so old to me; many are still alive and kicking and were probably not all that old back then.

I believe I've been given a second chance; a chance to make new wishes. Fortunately for me, my cancer is not agressive. There is no known cure, but that's today. Who's to say what will be discovered tomorrow. Right this minute I'm sending out positive vibes for a cure ........ and giving thanks several times each day for my healing. :)

Needless to say, I am also sending new family-oriented mental images out to the universe. I plan to live long enough to see my grandchildren become successful and independent. Oh, and I'm also thinking that a huge birthday bash will be in order when I celebrate my 65th birthday in another decade + a few years!!

Until next time ......
~B-Optimistic ~

Ahhh ... the beauty of autumn leaves!!

Wow! I can’t believe it’s already October 1st!! Where has the summer gone??? The leaves started changing colour back in August, but look at them now!! Mother Nature at her finest! If you don't live in a region with Maple trees, then you need to move!!

Yesterday was a perfect fall day, leaving me no option but to get out and enjoy it. So my constant companion Rocky and I (my “we-think-he’s-a-whippet” dog) went for a drive; windows lowered enough so that he could stick his snout out the window and sniff, but not low enough that he could do a suicide leap.

I had no real destination in mind, but remembered that the “Maid Marion” – one of the two largest draglines in Canada – was moving (very slowly) from point A to point B. So my buddy and I found a great vantage point and snapped a few photos.

This is one of my favourites: Maid Marion, towering high above the surrounding forest, framed with a vibrancy of colour that words can't describe.

When hubby arrived home yesterday, he suggested that a drive - and dinner out - would be nice; especially since he expected to be working a bit of overtime in the next little while, doing his part in the Maid Marion move. How could I say “no” to an offer like that?? A quick call to our friends to invite them along and soon we were taking a “topless” cruise in our 1990 Miata convertible, they in their 914 Porsche.

I LOVE our little sports car and I am not looking forward to putting it away for the winter. That car has been fabulous therapy for me over the past couple of years. I “laze” in the passenger’s seat, wind all around, sun in my face; de-stressing - not thinking about cancer - and just enjoying the ride. Oh and, of course, taking photos of everything that catches my eye!!

Needless to say, yesterday was a pretty stress-free day!! Today is pretty much of the same, excepting, of course, that I've spent my morning inside working on this, my first blog!!

But now, the sun beckons, and I must head out to enjoy the weather ......

Until next time ...

~ B-Optimistic ~