Drawing the Line on “Now”

The Christmas season is upon us and for the first time in many years I am finding it difficult to get into the Christmas spirit. I have bins and bins filled with decorations and normally I would have the house decked out for the holidays by mid November. It is now December 9th and, although I have a Christmas party planned here at the house this Saturday, I’m pushing myself to get the house ready for guests.

There are a couple of reasons why I think this is happening. I have been reading a couple of books about living in the present – a philosophy that is supposed to get one through difficult times. Okay, it works. But I think I’ve taken the belief a bit too seriously and I am now living full time in the present.

To be honest, I live with a constant dread that my cancer will return. The symptoms that I’ve been experiencing since mid July may only be a part of my healing process from my May surgery, but after the 3rd strike I have become quite paranoid. I go for a CT Scan on December 19th; this will hopefully identify what the symptoms represent, but I have told my doctor that I do not want the results until after the Holidays. Guess I should have said to call if she has good news to share. Wow, wouldn’t that be awesome? And it could be possible. After all, I'm forever optimistic! :)

Meanwhile, I’ve been living in the moment and it’s actually quite nice here. When thoughts of the possibility that my cancer may have returned wander into my head, I just remove the unpleasantness and dwell on what is in front of me – my dog, the beautiful flakes of snow falling, the smell of coffee brewing. It actually works.

But my “now” space is becoming too small. Don’t get me wrong! Living in the present is a great way to ease any anxiety I might be feeling. But it just dawned on me that this could be why I have not managed to complete the yearly tradition of decking the halls.

So what brought me to the point of writing this post is that I just realized that I have also stopped planning for the future; I am not planning vacations, my projects are on hold, and I'm not setting any goals! This “now” thinking and fear of seeing what is ahead is taking away my mo-jo, my creativity, my ambition!! I have always had a fear of the unknown and right now I don’t know what lies ahead. But the funny thing is, I don’t want to know ….. And if I don't know what is in the future, I will remain fearful. What a conundrum, eh?

So starting this very moment, I am pulling myself out of this cocoon that I have been slowly building around me. I will take the proverbial bull by the horns and start making both short and long term plans. If I end up having to go through surgery again, then so be it. I will work around it. I will adjust my plans when, and if, I have to. But I will plan!!

I won’t give up on the “living in the now” theories though, but I will bring myself into the moment only when I really feel the need to escape. Right now I just want to take pleasure in the Season – the lights, the music, the friends and family, and the Joy!

And who knows ….. Maybe a Christmas Miracle will come my way!!

Until next time …….

~ B-Optimistic ~