It's Relay for Life day in my Hometown!

It's hard to believe that it is already that time of the year when Relay for Life gets underway across the country! Today this event is being held in my community and I look forward to seeing a lot of familiar faces from the past four years, and bidding adieu to those who will not be returning. They will forever be in our hearts.

I have been asked by the Relay Committee to read a poem at this year's Luminary Service. This, to me, is quite an honour and I have decided that the occasion warranted an original poem. So, I have taken pen to paper, writing a course of verses to reflect the them of this year's event: Celebrate - Remember - Fight Back.


CELEBRATE … REMEMBER … FIGHT BACK
Written by Brenda L. Despres - Grand Lake Relay for Life - June 2010


This evening we gather as comrades
Who are all here to CELEBRATE life.
The battle we’ve fought makes us stronger
And we smile despite heartache and strife.

We REMEMBER that some go before us
To be there to welcome us home;
Their courage lives on in the memories
That tonight, in this forum, will roam.

We strive for our health and our dignity
And against this disease we’ll prevail;
We’ll FIGHT BACK ‘til the battle is over
For the healthy, the stable, the frail.

So join hands with the person you’re next to
And share memories of those you hold dear;
We are walking tonight to conquer this beast
So our children can live without fear.

United we march into battle
We’ll continue to fight ‘til we win
Until cancer becomes just a memory
And we’ve defeated that demon within.

Looking for the words ....

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to participate in the Relay for Life Luminary Ceremony by reading a couple of poems. The organizers provided me with a list of poems that I could choose from and I was also given the option of writing one of my own, should I so choose. That sounds like a fabulous idea to me, but I need to sit down, dig deep, and find the words to put on paper.

I am sure the motivation will come soon; probably when I least expect it - as it normally does. My task will be to put into words the thoughts and feelings of those who walk the track in silence, remembering those who have passed, those who are fighting, and those who have survived another year to join their comrades in the heart warming and wrenching ceremony.

I pray that I am able to do this assignment justice and honour the lives of those touched by cancer.

Until next time ....
B-Optimistic! 

Am I Hiding My Head in the Sand????

Our joint community Relay for Life event is just around the corner. Some time ago, one of the organizers asked if I would like to become a member of the new team that is being launched this year for “Survivors Only”. I have yet to give her a definitive answer.

Why have I not made arrangements to become a part of this team? I’m not sure. I do qualify. After all, I AM a survivor and I am very proud of that fact. I’m definitely not the type who never speaks of cancer. I’ll talk about this subject to anyone who will listen because I think it’s important to get the word out.

Is it the commitment perhaps? That thought crossed my mind. I do tend to get stuck in my comfort zone and hate to schedule myself too far ahead. One of the cautions of having cancer I guess. You learn that life can be flipped upside down with just a few simple words.

I’m definitely not shy or backward and it’s not because I won’t know anyone; when you live in a small community of less than 3,000 people, you’re bound to see a few familiar faces hanging around.

I have been constantly watching for symptoms, more so over the past few months. Not because there are any. I am doing fine and feel fabulous. No unusual pains other than those caused by housecleaning (which is a shock to my system, for sure!) and no change in appetite or bowel activity. I’m not sleeping a lot during the day and there is no bloating. Nope, I wish I had an excuse sometimes for the extended waistline - just not that excuse!!

Okay, I just had a brain fart as I wrote that last line. I know why I hesitate to participate. I hate t-shirts!! My body has NEVER been a candidate for this type of apparel and I had always dodged them like the plague. Every year I cringe when I slide the bright yellow t-shirt over my head. That’s right …. BRIGHT YELLOW! Go ahead, throw salt in the wound. I can’t get lost in the crowd wearing bright yellow!

Don’t get me wrong, I wear the darned thing proudly. And I should - because I am still here. There will be several yellow t-shirts missing at this year’s event. The wearers' have gone on to a better place.

So, I guess I need to lay aside my vanity issues, make that phone call, and do my part for cancer research ……. And for those who have passed.

Until next time ……
~ BOptimistic ~

Vitamin B3 beats Big Pharma's Zetia cholesterol drug -- Signs of the Times News

Vitamin B3 beats Big Pharma's Zetia cholesterol drug -- Signs of the Times News: "http://www.sott.net/articles/show/205774-Vitamin-B3-beats-Big-Pharma-s-Zetia-cholesterol-drug"

How Cells Protect Themselves from Cancer -- Signs of the Times News

How Cells Protect Themselves from Cancer -- Signs of the Times News: "http://www.sott.net/articles/show/204996-How-Cells-Protect-Themselves-from-Cancer"

Vitamin D Deficiency Now So Widespread That Rickets is On The Rise Once Again -- Signs of the Times News

This message is a little more severe than my post of 8/17/09; are there other reasons for a reduction in Vitamin D absorption by our bodies??

Vitamin D Deficiency Now So Widespread That Rickets is On The Rise Once Again -- Signs of the Times News: "http://www.sott.net/articles/show/204356-Vitamin-D-Deficiency-Now-So-Widespread-That-Rickets-is-On-The-Rise-Once-Again"

Self-cannibalizing cancer cells targeted

Self-cannibalizing cancer cells targeted

Time Flies When You’re Having Fun!!

I’ve been very slack with my blog of late, but you can look at this as a good sign. When things are going well, I have less thoughts of the cancer that has plagued my life for the past seven years. Not to brag, but I’m feeling pretty damned good!!

There has been a lot of fun and festivity in my life over the past several months. Of course with Christmas and young grandchildren, there is always much joy in the Christmas season. They do grow up too fast though and I dread the stage in their lives when they no longer believe in Santa. We love seeing the looks on their faces when they open their presents on Christmas morning. I sometimes wonder if we’ll be around to witness that same look of wonderment on the faces of our great grandchildren? Sure, why not? Be optimistic, right?? Haha

Retirement has finally arrived for my husband and it isn’t half as bad as I thought it would be having someone else around the house all day. However, it’s only been a couple of weeks … I’ll check back with you in a couple of months! But seriously, I find that I am enjoying the company. I didn’t realize how much I have been talking to myself since Rocky (my dog and right hand guy) hasn't been here to listen to me; I also hadn’t realized how lonely it was without my canine’s company until I had human company. So it really is nice to have a distraction once in awhile.

Hubby and I are both anxiously waiting for dry roads and free time to cruise “topless” whenever the urge strikes. I’m sure there will be no road untraveled! Winter here on the east coast has been amazing this year, with just enough snow for the outdoor enthusiasts, but clear roads for the travelers. I can almost smell spring in the air!

I’m still researching the art of book writing. Wow, there certainly is a lot to learn and lots to know! I think it’s time now to put what I’ve learned into practice. Wish me luck! I probably don’t know what I’m getting into ……

And on that note, it’s a gorgeous sunny day here in my hometown and perfect lighting to start a new painting. So it’s time to get moving. So much to do ... so much fun to be had!

Until next time . . . .

~ B-Optimistic ~

A Flash of Insight!

Wow! I can’t believe that my last post was in August! For anyone that cares, this is a good thing. I have been busy researching the technicalities of writing a non-fiction book and also working on a few new paintings. Life is good!

The best thing of all - I am once again planning for the future! After my third cancer surgery in six years, it was impossible for me to plan for the next week, let alone years down the road. But I found myself doing just that this past week. And wow. What a feeling it gave me when I realized what I was doing!! The fact that I am able to dream means that I am free from the black cloud of cancer …. At least for the time being. And I am happy with that!

So, with a husband about to retire, two beautiful grandchildren, and an attitude of “look out world,” life as I know it has become much brighter!

Until next time ……
BOptimistic!!

VITAMIN D ….. FRIEND OR FOE???

Can a society with a fear of melanoma be depriving itself of the health benefits of the sun by lathering on sunscreen and not getting even the recommended 10-15 minutes of sunshine each day?

Getting a sunburn is certainly not the way to go, so sunscreen is definitely a must. There are an increasing number of reports on the Internet, in magazines, and on TV hyping the benefits of Vitamin D and claiming that is “the” vitamin to add to your daily routine. This, they say, is especially important for those of us do not get enough exposure to the sun. But how do you know whether taking Vitamin D is right for you and, if it is, how much to ingest? Consult your physician!!

I added Vitamin D to my supplement list last fall because of the studies showing that it will prevent SAD during the dark winter months and also because of several claims that it might also be beneficial for those wishing to boost the immune system in a fight against cancer. A new study is presently in the planning stages with the goal of determining just what the actual benefits of Vitamin D are for a variety of cancers, the results of which many of us will find very interesting.

More recently I’ve been hearing that Vitamin D3 is even more beneficial than plain old Vitamin D, so I decided to look into that. What I found is a lack of legitimate sites that discuss Vitamin D vs Vitamin D3, so I'll keep looking.

What I do know is that 10-15 minutes of “good old sunshine” is still number one on the list! Just don’t overdo it …….

You’ll have to excuse me, but the sun is out and I need my fix!

Until next time ……
~ B-Optimistic ~

NOTE: (I found the information on sun exposure on Ed's blog very interesting and sums up most of what you will find on the web for the ordinary Joe like us!)

OF SPECIAL NOTE: Be cautious when searching for information on vitmain use online because many of the sites promoting supplementation may in the "money-making" business rather than the "help you get healthy" business! For facts on the pros and cons of vitamin supplementation, stick with legitimate sites such as major health and research centres. Discuss any information you find on these sites with your doctor and pharmacist before adding them to your diet as many supplements may counteract other medications you are taking.

Letting Go and Taking Control

Today I decided I had to take back control of my life. Over the past couple of months I have noticed myself falling once again into my old habit of getting too involved in the lives of my friends and family; taking on their problems as if they are my own. And it was taking its toll on my mind and body.

Physically, I was starting to feel the anxiety; Pains, tightness, and tenseness in my chest from fretting and worrying. Mentally, I was unable to focus on any one specific task at home and couldn’t motivate myself to start or finish any projects that needed to be done. It all just seemed to be too overwhelming so I haven’t done anything.

The fact that we’ve had only a few days of full blown sunshine over the past couple of months probably hasn’t helped my mental attitude. I have very little patience and seem to get angry way too easily … guess you’d say I was “sweating the small stuff.”

Today was the turning point. The sun was shining this morning and my husband and I took off for a solo cruise in the Miata. I had a difficult time relaxing at first even though I so enjoy our cruises. The tenseness in my chest was so much more obvious today. So I made the decision that I had to let go for my health; I had to let go of my fears for my brother and brother-in-law and their personal battles with cancer; I had to realize that the household tasks that need to be done outside are not going to get done until the weatherman quits calling for rain.

I started repeating in my head: My life is good. I have my health. I must let go of others problems. Over and over I said this. Soon the tenseness left me. The anxiety dissipated. After ½ hour of driving and repeating these statements in my head, I was able to relax and enjoy the day!!

I know it won’t be easy. It’s hard for me to not think of the issues that those close to me face on a daily basis. But I just have to remember not to personalize their problems any longer. I can still care. I just have to ensure I don't literally “feel” their pain.

They say that you can change a habit with three weeks of repetition. I am hoping this theory will help me change this habit!! Wish me luck …..

Until next time ……..
~ BOptimistic ~

Cancer All Around

Life is good for me when the blog is not overloaded with entries. It’s been about six weeks since my last note and a lot has happened in the cancer world; not so much for me, but for people around me.

My brother-in-law, who is going to be 75 this year, has been diagnosed with cancer. He has growths on both vocal chords. We all suspected something was up. His voice has been raspy for months now. But he had also been told many years ago the raspy voice he was experiencing at that time was precancerous; that he should stop smoking immediately. He did. For awhile. At least he quit the cigarettes. But he started smoking those little cigars instead. Too bad. He’ll be starting his 35 radiation treatments in the next week or two. At 5 treatments per week, that’s 7 weeks (not including weekends) that he’ll spend at the hostile. Hopefully there are no complications for him; there is the possibility that the reduced airway passage could become blocked during treatment. That’s a scary thought for all of us; but probably much more frightening for him. Although he will be the last to admit it, I’m sure.

My brother, who is also in his mid 70’s, has been receiving chemo treatments in an effort to keep his Multiple Myeloma at bay. He’s not doing so well this past week. The treatment has recently turned on him and he is having a lot of problems like shortness of breath and stomach issues. His wife, who is not well herself and suffers from what is commonly known as “the sleeping sickness,” is very concerned. This is my brother’s second experience with cancer. He won the battle over prostrate cancer many years ago.

And, to add insult to injury, his daughter just went through an ordeal that started out as a simple day surgery and blossomed into an all out major ordeal with the removal of a lump in her breast the size of an orange along with several other smaller masses. She is home, sore but recovering. The doctor is certain that her lumps were benign! Yahoo!

My friend’s husband, who is only 57 years old, had prostrate surgery a few weeks back, but thankfully his news was very good. The cancer had not spread and he does not have to face any type of treatment!! Way to go, my friend!

A friend of my nephew’s was also diagnosed with prostrate cancer a couple of months ago but he, unfortunately, did not receive the same good news. At 54 years of age, his prognosis is only 3 years with treatment and 1 year without. I can’t imagine what he is going through at such a young age.

My cousin’s brother-in-law, who is in his 80’s, recently had a serious fall and through a series of tests and x-rays, it was discovered that he has spots on his lungs and bone cancer and really has a lot of other strikes against him right now, including dementia. How sad for his wife and family who now visit him on a daily basis, a 40 minute drive one way. He, and they, are dealing with a lot more than any of them can probably handle.

My blogger friend, Jen, has also been diagnosed with a recurrence of GCT and has, fortunately, found a new and promising physician who won’t put her through any unnecessary treatments. She’s an upbeat lady and I know that the road she is travelling is rough, but she will persevere and remain strong through her faith.

So, although I am presently feeling fabulous and hopefully cancer free, cancer is still forefront in my mind. And it will also be the main topic of my prayers.

I do hope that those I have spoken of today can keep their eyes on the prize and remember to ……

~ B-Optimistic ~

BREAKTHROUGH IN GRANULOSA CELL TUMOUR RESEARCH!!!

Check out these links … it says it all!! What fabulous news for those of us with Granulosa Cell Tumours!!

Ovarian Cancer Breakthrough Heralds New Era of Treatment

Editorial in the New England Journal of Medicine

What a rush I feel right now!! I have to run and tell everyone I know!!

Until next time .....
BOptimistic

Pursuing a Dream!

I am definitely a slacker!! It’s been ages since I’ve posted, but please forgive me because I have been busy doing fun things – painting, writing, cruising in our recently purchased 1991 Jaguar XJS convertible that we got for a song!! Life is good.

This past Saturday, I had the honour of being the guest speaker at our local Relay for Life event. What a rush! I hesitated initially because I tend to forget I have had cancer. Hard to believe eh, but it’s true. It’s not so much that I forget I have had the disease, but I feel so good that it seems like a dream sometimes. I am so fortunate to be able to put it behind me like that. I do, indeed, count my blessings.

My talk was comprised of a piece I had written last year between being diagnosed with recurrent GCT and my actual surgery. I have revamped it several times since then and condensed it slightly for this event so that the room full of survivors would not have to sit for hours!! LOL

Anyhow, all went well. I managed to maintain my composure through much of the talk, with my voice quivering only a few times. I took a step back, inhaled deeply, and got right back on track again though. I am very proud of myself for being able to stand in front of over 100 people and tell my story without becoming a blubbering fool!! LOL

The best part is that I also decided it was time that I follow my dream of writing a book on remaining optimistic in the face of cancer!! Saturday morning, the day of the Relay and my big speaking debut, I woke up thinking that this venue would be the perfect opportunity to speak to survivors and announce the project to people who may be interested in sharing their stories. Success!! I passed out a sign up sheet immediately following my talk and am pleased to report that my initial quest resulted in more than enough interest to begin the project. I am thoroughly looking forward to hearing each and every story first hand!

There are many more hurdles to overcome – finding a publisher being the main one - but I am confident that I will persevere and finally realize this desire to write that I have had nearly all of my life.

So please wish me luck with my new endeavour!

Until next time …….
BOptimistic!!

Happy Ramblings .......

I just realized yesterday that I forgot to make an appointment with my doctor for my 3-month check up! Guess that’s a sign that cancer is not at the forefront of my thoughts, right?

Winter has been dragging it’s feet here on the east coast. It’s now nearing the end of March and we still have several feet of snow in my neck of the woods. That means a lot of melting must occur before the tiny blades of grass can get the sunshine needed to flourish. Every day I see a difference, but it’s been too cold to melt quickly … which is a good thing for those living by water’s edge because it will reduce the risk of floods! Check out a few photos of last year's flood.


But today the temperature is going to 10 degrees Celsius (50 degrees F)!! Not only is that a good thing for the reduction of snow, but the maple syrup producers will be very, very happy since this is the perfect weather to encourage the sap to flow freely!

So, for today, I’ll keep this brief so that I can get ready to head outside and enjoy our first east coast tropical heat wave of the season!!

Remember to keep smiling and …….
~ BOptimistic ~

From Zero to 60 and Back Again

I have been going through a lot of emotional ups and downs over the past couple of weeks since losing my canine companion, Rocky. Fortunately, I have great friends that help keep my mind occupied and my spirits high.

It’s when I’m alone that it hits home and I experience those silly little emotional moments that really catch me unawares; wiping dog nose prints off of windows, putting leftover spaghetti (one of Rocky’s favourite things) in the garbage can rather than in his bowl, and most importantly, not having him to cuddle into the back of my knees when I go to sleep.

But, for the most part, I’m doing okay and a recent unexpected occurrence has made me realize just how insignificant my situation is.

My husband and I bought a little convertible a few years ago and we love to take off on sunny days and just go where the wind blows us. Our hobby has brought us into an amazing circle of friends; some who were once just acquaintances but who have become fast friends and a few new people that we are thrilled to know. We all get together every so often for a bit of social fun – movie, bowling, dinner, day cruises in our cars.

Patsy and her husband, Jack (not their real names) were infrequent participants in our “group of twelve” activities, so my husband and I were just beginning to get to know them. They always seemed to be quite happy and well suited for each other; no sign of turmoil in their relationship that any of us were aware of – not even those who knew them well.

I just discovered over the weekend that Patsy and Jack decided that their marriage of 22 years was over and it was time to make the split. You see, Jack apparently hasn’t heard the saying, “The grass might look greener on the other side, but it still needs to be mowed,” and he has been doing some alternate landscaping for the past year or more.

This news came right out of left field and presented all of us with food for fodder. Nothing could have lessened the shock for any of us. So, needless to say, they were the topic of conversation over dinner when we joined our little circle of friends this past Saturday evening. It was definitely not a gossip session; we are all genuinely concerned for our friend Patsy and flabbergasted that Jack made the choice that he has.

I won’t speak for the men, but we ladies admitted to being very comfortable in our long marriages, with most of us married for more than 25 years. But we also confessed that the foundation of our own relationships has been given a little shake with the news of Patsy and her husband’s split.

We also had varied opinions about what we would do if it had happened to us. Two stated adamantly that hubby would have been served something delicate on a plate and then tossed to the side of the road; two more would definitely serve the entrée, but were a bit more concerned and less certain about their reactions to the possibility of living without their mate; and the fifth admitted that she would be totally devastated if this ever happened.

There are probably many things that our little group will never know about Patsy and Jack’s marriage. But what we do know for sure is that the other woman (who was not a member of our group) set her sights on Jack and he was obviously a willing participant. Could this ever happen to us? Of course; we are not naïve. We all know that there is always that “other woman” waiting in the wings …….

Life is full of gains and losses, ups and downs, joy and sadness. My heart goes out to our friend, Patsy, who I can guarantee is facing something a whole lot more difficult than wiping nose prints off a window. For Patsy, there will never be closure; those spontaneous memories will haunt her every time she looks at a family photo or wears a particular piece of clothing or jewellery. How often will she read an article and turn to share it with Jack, only to find him no longer there? Patsy’s life has been forever changed and 22 years of marriage and memories will follow her no matter where she goes.

I don’t believe that any of us can, nor want to, fathom what Patsy is going through right now. But we, her friends – both male and female - will be there to support her.

And we all realize that some days it is just a bit more difficult to …..

~ B-Optimistic ~

My Little Buddy

Yesterday I had to have my sidekick, Rocky, euthanized. I had a difficult time making that initial phone call, but watching him try to stay upright when he walked was much more difficult.

Rocky was pampered and spoiled, but when I got back as much love as I gave out, it was hard not to treat him like a king. And although it is very quiet here this morning without him, I have no regrets. I picture him racing around in doggy heaven, marking his new territory, and having a grand old time.

Admittedly, I will enjoy not having dog hair on the furniture and yellow snow at the back door - something I have grown used to over the past 16+ years. But the cuddles - and the way his little face seemed to light up when he saw me - will definitely be missed.

Enjoy your new freedom, my little friend.

Rocky …. 1992-2009

The Freedoms That Come With Age

My email Inbox has been extremely busy of late and I really haven't been keeping up like I should (translation: cleaning out all of the duplicate chain emails that I get from well-meaning friends and family!!)

So this morning I thought I'd take a few minutes and start the process. I didn't get far when I came across this one - which I had already read but had not deleted for some reason. When I read it through again, I thought it would be a perfect addition to my Blog .... full of optimism and fuzzy thoughts .... the epitome of chain emails.

Being an email communication, there is - unfortunately - no name to credit these words of wisdom to. But my hat goes off to you, whoever you are!!

For those of you reading my Blog - accidentally or on purpose - I hope you enjoy this one too!

*************************************************************************************
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

MAY YOUR FRIENDSHIPS NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART ........................... ..................... AND MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

If Time Flies When You're Having Fun .....

My mother was a very smart lady. She always said that as I got older, the days would go by more quickly. How right she was!

It seems like only last week that I was digging out the Christmas decorations and decking the halls. And now the holidays are over and it is time to take everything down and pack it all away for another year.

Even more disturbing is that it seems like only a few years ago that every newscast focused on the disastrous effect that Y2K would have on the world as we knew it.

But here we are in 2009 and the first decade of this millennium is whizzing by at phenomenal speed. I wonder what wonderful advances will be made in cancer research in the next two years; conspiracy theorists say that a cure for cancer is out there but is being held back by the powers that be. It sounds like a plausible theory, but perhaps there are just too many variables and too many types of cancer to make finding a cure just that easy. At least that is what I hope is causing the delay!!

Before 2009 gets any further along, I thought I would list the things that I am thankful for instead of recording a list of resolutions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not above making resolutions and I do have a few floating around in my mind, but this year it just seems more appropriate to reflect on the positives. So here goes.

I’m thankful for:
• my husband who, after 33 years of marriage, finally understands where I am at this point in time. There may be several facets of “me” that still remain a mystery to him, but he is definitely trying;
• my sons who have grown into very considerate and fabulous young men and even though they don’t give me as many hugs or tell me they love me as often as I’d like them to, I know they love me;
• my new “daughters” who seem to make my sons very happy and who are a pleasure to be around;
• my grandchildren, whose hugs and smiles can brighten even the darkest days;
• my health, without which I would probably not be composing a gratitude list;
• my doctors, surgeons, prayer groups, and well-wishers who have had a huge role in the stability of my physical and mental health;
• my family – especially my sister, Marg, and cousin, Carol - who have provided much needed support when things weren’t as they should be and who are there whenever I need them;
• my companion, Rocky, who has been my sidekick for over 16 years and who listens to every word I say, even when I’m talking to myself;
• my friends, both old and new, who keep me aligned with who I am and support me in what I want to be;
• my community, filled with people who share their love and show their support to any and all who are in need;
• my life in general – it is a good life;
• and last but not least, my higher being, without whom I would have had a much more difficult time dealing with the anxieties of the past 6 years.

The year 2008 was one of personal growth for me. I have matured a great deal over the past year and I am comfortable with the person I have become at this stage of my life. That being said, I have noticed that I am becoming more outspoken on topics that are important to me and more direct with people when they irritate me, but hopefully always in a positive manner.

Over the past year I have faced my demons head on and accepted the fact that at some point I will no longer be a part of this world. I have also discovered that I am totally at ease with death, but I just don’t want it to come knocking any time soon.

There is nothing I did in 2008 that I would want - or need - to undo if given the opportunity, but many things that I would want to do more of. Perhaps that will be at the top of my resolution list for 2009!!

Finally, my wish for 2009 is that time slows down so that we can all cram in so many treasured moments that we can not keep track of them all!!

Until next time ……..

~ B-Optimistic ~

An Early Christmas Gift

I had my CT Scan last Friday, December 19th. I have never been nervous for a scan before, but this one really flipped me upside down – nervous stomach, tension, the whole nine yards!! I was so sure that the tenderness I have experienced since mid-July signalled the return of cancer. The days prior to the scan were filled with headaches, aches and pains, and the need for daily naps, adding even more fuel for the imagination. I was positive that this disease was starting to take over my body once again.

I even tried to analyze the expression on the technician’s face as she unhooked the IV and removed that amazingly comfortable wedge from under my knees (I really have to get one of those for home!). She didn’t look me in the eyes and her smile seemed to be a bit forced. That could only mean one thing …..

I was meeting friends following the scan and on the drive there I made the choice to leave it all in the hands of my higher power. If the scan showed what I suspected, then I would deal with it; there was a reason for it. I felt very comfortable about my decision to ask my doctor to keep the results to herself until after the Holidays. Although I hadn’t asked her to, I tried to imagine her calling me with good news before Christmas – you know, that positive-thought-vibe technique – but negative thoughts kept drifting in and taking over. I guess thinking about cancer’s return not being part of the equation was difficult because the signs seemed to all point to a recurrence.

Letting go of my concerns and putting my fears in someone else’s hands (someone else being my “higher power”) worked wonders. I really cannot imagine how people survive without the belief that there is someone or something more powerful out there to help ease the burdens of life. It is such a comforting feeling.

The weekend went quickly and we had lots of fun. Our two grandchildren, ages 4 ½ and 3, came for a two-night visit and the weekend was a blur of activity. Monday was busy as well, especially with Christmas just a few days away.

It was around 9:15 p.m. on Monday evening when the phone rang and I just assumed it was one of the kids calling. At first I didn’t recognize her voice and when she said her name, I shuddered from head to toe. My first thought: “Surely she hasn’t forgotten that I did not want to hear the results until after the Holidays”? And then I realized that this doctor is much more compassionate than that and she could only be calling for one reason – good news!

The CT Scan results were back and …… drum roll please ….. there was no sign of cancer!! What an amazing bit of news to hear just a few days before Christmas! It was difficult to talk with a frog in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. But I did manage to wish her a Happy Holiday and to thank her for taking the time out to call. After I hung up, I asked my husband to confirm that I was not dreaming; that my doctor had just called and all was well. Wow, what a bag of mixed emotions I was experiencing!!

It took me two whole days for this news to sink in and become real. But, believe me, I am now floating on cloud nine … no, make that could ten!! Oh, and I’ve decided to live in the “now” for a few weeks because it is an amazing place to be at the moment. I’ll get back to my “planning for the future” phase after the Holidays!

I’m off to prepare for an overnight stay with our children and grandchildren to await the arrival of Santa. We have lots to be thankful for – we have the freedom that comes with living in a great country; we enjoy the comforts and pleasure of being surrounded by friends and family; and this year we will celebrate a cancer-free Christmas!!

But above all else, I will give thanks for the wonderful work of my oncologist and his team and for this wonderful sensation of comfort and security, embraced in the arms of my higher being. May you all experience this feeling at least once in your lives!

Until next time ……

~ B-Optimistic ~